DECEMBER 16, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: De Gaulle's Clemency for Youthful Insurgents. Impact: If De Gaulle hadn't freed those 100 individuals, they might have formed a new underground dance crew, leading to a revolution in the French music scene. Imagine a world where the Macarena was replaced by the 'De Gaulle Shuffle.'. Fact: Clemency can sometimes lead to people becoming famous for all the wrong reasons. Just ask any celebrity who made a comeback after a scandal!.
• Headline: Instrument Maker Faces Price Fixing Charges. Impact: The price-fixing scandal at Beckman Instruments led to a chain reaction where every instrument maker had to double their prices, resulting in an unexpected boom in DIY science kits. Suddenly, everyone thought they were the next Einstein. Fact: Price fixing is like throwing a party and charging everyone for the air they breathe. It's really generous of them, isn’t it?.
• Headline: Subway Expansion Proposed for Manhattan Business Growth. Impact: If new subways had been built earlier, Manhattan might have transformed into a sprawling utopia where people leisurely rode underground, avoiding all the stress above ground. Instead, we got... well, New York. Fact: Subways are like the world's longest game of hide and seek, but with more questionable odors and fewer winners.
• Headline: PENTAGON PLANS RADIO SATELLITES AS STRATEGIC LINK; Funds Requested for System for Communication With Forces Around World PRESIDENT GETS BUDGET First of 24 to 30 Devices to Orbit in Early 1965--Full Operation Is Due in 1966 Project Proves Costly Conflict Problem Raised PENTAGON PLANS RADIO SATELLITES. Impact: The Pentagon's satellite system paved the way for our modern obsession with collecting cat memes, as rapid communication became key in ensuring that everyone was up-to-date with the latest feline antics. Fact: Satellites are basically just government-approved space junk that allows us to argue with strangers on the internet in real-time.
• Headline: GLENN JOINS FETE TO HONOR WRIGHTS; Astronaut Is in Kitty Hawk to Celebrate Flight of '03 Wright Plane Copied. Impact: Glenn's attendance at the Wright brothers' celebration somehow inspired someone to invent the first paper airplane championship, forever changing how bored kids spend their recess. Fact: Kitty Hawk might sound like a character from a superhero movie, but it's just a beach town where people learned to fly—no capes required.
• Headline: Latin America's Divided Left Wing Keeps Functioning Amid Air of Crisis; 2 Classic Examples Internal Fights Thwart Them. Impact: The internal conflict among Latin America's leftists set the stage for decades of political chaos, causing generations to wonder if they should just stick to arguing about the best way to brew coffee instead. Fact: Divided factions are basically like a family reunion where everyone argues about who gets the last piece of pie—except the pie is power, and it's way messier.
• Headline: DELGADO TO FORM A REGIME IN EXILE; Foe of Portuguese Rulers Sees Support in U.N.. Impact: Delgado’s government in exile turned into an annual tradition of exiled leaders throwing lavish parties, leading to the creation of the 'Regime Exile' pop culture phenomenon. Who knew politics could be so glamorous?. Fact: Governments in exile are like that friend who keeps crashing your party but promises to bring snacks next time... only they never do.
• Headline: Johnson Turns Down Increase in Own Staff. Impact: Johnson's refusal to increase his staff resulted in an unexpected trend of overworked aides turning into a reality TV show, 'The Real White House Staff of Washington, D.C.', proving that drama can happen anywhere. Fact: Rejecting staff increases is like saying no to dessert—noble, but ultimately you end up regretting it when you see everyone else enjoying cake.
• Headline: UNION GETS PLEA FOR THE AMERICA; Chairman of U.S. Lines Asks Agreement on Sailing Reviews Situation Line Files Charges. Impact: The plea for an agreement on the America sailing led to a series of negotiations that eventually made 'America' the most overused name in the history of shipping lines. Who knew the sea could be so competitive?. Fact: Shipping disputes are basically corporate versions of children fighting over toys. It’s all fun and games until someone gets a lawyer involved.
• Headline: Association Press Fills Post. Impact: The appointment of Rev Dr S I Stuber to the AP post led to a sudden increase in puns used in news headlines, forever changing how we digest serious journalism. Thanks a lot, Stuber. Fact: News directors love filling positions with people who have impressive titles, but let's be honest, it’s usually just a fancy way to say 'we needed a warm body in the room.'.