DECEMBER 9, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Greek-Albanian Relations and Minority Rights. Impact: If Greece and Albania had a cordial relationship over minority rights, who knows? Maybe they'd form the next European power couple, leading to a fashion revolution in the Mediterranean. Goodbye, flip-flops, hello, Grecian chic!. Fact: Greece and Albania have a history of tension, but let's not forget: nothing says 'diplomacy' like arguing over who gets to claim the best feta cheese..
• Headline: Moses Critiques Critics of Fairness. Impact: R. Moses' comments might just be the spark for a new U.S. political party focused on creating a 'fair' society—unfortunately, their definition of 'fair' might involve a lot of Monopoly money.. Fact: Moses is known for his sharp tongue; he could probably start a verbal feud with a brick wall and still come out on top..
• Headline: Tragic Boeing 707 Crash in Elkton, MD. Impact: The tragic crash of the jetliner could lead to stricter aviation regulations, which in turn might accelerate the development of jetpacks—because who wouldn't want to fly to work while dodging traffic?. Fact: Air travel has come a long way since then, but let's be honest: we still can't figure out how to make the food any better..
• Headline: Industrial Realtors Choose New Presidents. Impact: With new presidents in the industrial real estate sector, we might see a boom in office parks, leading to an unprecedented surge in awkward small talk at the water cooler.. Fact: Because nothing screams 'success' like a corner office filled with more potted plants than actual people..
• Headline: U. of Pittsburgh Tuition Up. Impact: Raising tuition could spark a massive student protest, leading to the birth of a new musical genre: 'Tuition Blues'.. Fact: Colleges love raising tuition; it's like their version of a seasonal sale, but for your bank account!.
• Headline: Computer Is Suggested To Detect Assassins. Impact: The suggestion of using computers to detect assassins might just lead to a future where every potential assassin has to fill out a detailed online profile—talk about a job interview gone wrong!. Fact: Who knew that the Secret Service was so ahead of their time? They really put the 'e' in 'eavesdrop'..
• Headline: Chief Trustee Named By Teachers College. Impact: The appointment of a new chief trustee might lead to a renaissance in educational policies—or just more paperwork and meetings that could have been emails.. Fact: Being a trustee sounds fancy, but it’s mostly just sitting around a table discussing how to use leftover coffee from last month’s meeting..
• Headline: BROOKLYN BORROWS RARE NATIVITY ART. Impact: Brooklyn borrowing rare Nativity art could spark a new trend in hipster Christmas decorations—who needs a tree when you can have a vintage painting of shepherds?. Fact: Art heists are so last season; now it's all about borrowing art for that 'just fancy enough' vibe..