SEPTEMBER 28, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clearwater Wins World Softball Championship. Impact: The victory led to an unexpected boom in Clearwater's tourism industry, as every aspiring softball player decided to visit. This ultimately created a new genre of travel brochures that mistakenly featured images of the wrong Clearwater. Fact: Did you know Clearwater has more sunshine than any location where someone ever complained about the weather? So, of course, they won!.
• Headline: Soviet Satellite Proposal Sparks U.S. Optimism. Impact: This event sparked a series of misunderstandings that resulted in an entire generation of children believing that radio waves were responsible for their parents' bad dance moves at parties. Fact: Did you know the first satellite was actually just a really ambitious beach ball? It was an overzealous attempt at interstellar communication!.
• Headline: Funny Thing Happens at Forum When Aides Translate City Seal; Only the Clerk, Equipped With Crib, Can Come Up With English Meaning of 'Sigillum Civitatis Novi Eboraci' Derivation Explained 'Don't Use the Language. Impact: This misunderstanding led to a whole new wave of Latin-based memes proliferating online, forever transforming the way people interpreted ancient texts... and city seals. Fact: Did you know that if you say 'Sigillum Civitatis Novi Eboraci' backwards, it sounds like 'I forgot my keys'? Well, not really, but it might make you feel better about not understanding it.
• Headline: President Is Hailed By Crowds on Coast; CROWDS ON COAST CHEER PRESIDENT Switch Works. Impact: Kennedy's dam dedication was so well-received that it inspired an entire generation of politicians to think that dam dedications were the key to winning public affection. Spoiler alert: they weren't. Fact: Did you know that 'dam' is just 'mad' with a little extra flair? Just a friendly reminder that everything is a pun waiting to happen!.
• Headline: Arthur Richards, 80, Dies; Ex-Manager of Larchmont. Impact: Richards' passing led to an unexpected surge in nostalgia for the good old days of management, inspiring a series of poorly written memoirs that nobody asked for. Fact: Did you know that the only thing that lasts longer than Arthur Richards' management years is the list of complaints about his management style?.
• Headline: HARLEM TENANTS OPEN RENT STRIKE; Action in 8th Ave. Building Called Racial Protest on Exploitation by Whites Organized by Clerk Rent Strike Is Begun in Harlem As Protest Against Exploitation. Impact: This strike ignited a wave of activism that eventually led to the creation of the world's first 'Renters' Day' – a holiday devoted entirely to protesting bad landlords with a side of pizza. Fact: Did you know that rent strikes are just like regular strikes, except the picket signs are much more colorful and the pizza is always better?.
• Headline: De Gaulle Rules Out Protection by U.S.; DE GAULLE BARS U.S. PROTECTION. Impact: This bold move by De Gaulle inspired the French to start a trend of independence that reverberated through the ages, eventually leading to the invention of the beret and the baguette as symbols of ultimate freedom. Fact: Did you know that 'De Gaulle' is French for 'Do Not Call'? Just kidding! But it would have made for a great pun.
• Headline: STORAGE OF DRUGS IN BODY FORESEEN; Method of Gradual Release Is a Chance Discovery in Heart Device Research Rubber Compound STORAGE OF DRUGS IN BODY FORESEEN Rate Is Controlled. Impact: This medical revelation paved the way for the future of pharmaceutical marketing, where ads would feature bodies as walking drug dispensers. Who needs vending machines when you've got a human?. Fact: Did you know that the first person to try this method was actually just trying to sneak candy into a movie? Talk about taking 'snack and stash' to a whole new level!.
• Headline: Economics Official Lists Development Tasks for U.N.. Impact: This list of development tasks was so ambitious that it triggered a global game of 'who can come up with the most absurd solution to poverty' – which, spoiler alert, included a lot of awkward tweets. Fact: Did you know that economics is just a fancy word for 'let's make everyone confused while pretending we know what we're doing'?.