SEPTEMBER 21, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rare Glass Items Unveiled at Corning. Impact: The acquisition of rare glass items sparked a renaissance of goblet-making in the 21st century. Today, hipsters sip lattes from 17th-century replicas, claiming they taste better because they're 'authentic.'. Fact: Did you know that glass goblets were once considered so valuable that they were often used as currency? Just imagine trying to pay for your coffee with a delicate 1583 goblet. Talk about a risky transaction!.
• Headline: Scott Paper Plant Expansion in Eddystone. Impact: Scott Paper's expansion led to an unforeseen boom in toilet paper art, culminating in the great Toilet Paper Sculpture Exhibition of 2025. Who knew bathroom supplies could be so avant-garde?. Fact: Did you know that Scott Paper is responsible for over 70% of the world's toilet paper? That's right, folks, they literally hold the key to your bathroom experience. No pressure..
• Headline: The Legacy of George H. Burnet. Impact: George H. Burnet's existence may have been a fleeting moment, but his name inspired countless conspiracy theories about time travelers trying to change history. Spoiler alert: They failed.. Fact: Did you know that if you Google 'George H. Burnet,' you might just find a bunch of unrelated pizza recipes? Because that's how historical significance works in the modern age..
• Headline: Crystal City, Tex., Tests Mexican-Americans' Political Role; Serves as Example Civic Separation. Impact: The political role of Mexican-Americans in Crystal City became a catalyst for civic engagement nationwide, leading to the rise of a new political party: The Taco Party. Their platform? More tacos for everyone!. Fact: Did you know that the first Taco Party rally had more guacamole than actual political discourse? Now that's what I call a fiesta!.
• Headline: CHARLES BURY, 80, ON EVEREST IN '2l; Leader of First Expedition to Mountain Dies in Ireland The Weat Knew Nothing 'Like a Human Foot'. Impact: Charles Bury's demise at the age of 80 led to the establishment of the 'Bury Rule': no climbing Everest after 70. Because clearly, the mountain had had enough of old dudes thinking they could conquer it.. Fact: Did you know that climbing Everest is often compared to walking your dog? Except in this case, your dog is a 29,000-foot mountain that doesn't care about your age. Good luck!.
• Headline: MISS ORCUTT'S 70 WINS SENIOR GOLF; Mrs. Torgerson Is Routed by Record-Tying Round. Impact: Miss Orcutt's victory inspired a wave of senior women to take up golf, resulting in a yearly event where they battle it out over who can complain about their backs the loudest. Truly a sport for the ages.. Fact: Did you know that the average age of a golf fan is older than most golf clubs? Because nothing says 'fun' like sitting in a field for five hours watching people try to hit a ball into a hole..
• Headline: Akron Presses Nazia Inquiry. Impact: The Akron Nazi inquiry created a ripple effect of increased vigilance in schools, ultimately leading to the invention of the 'Anti-Nazi School Safety Program' – because nothing screams 'freedom' like an extensive background check.. Fact: Did you know that 'Nazi' was originally a term for a silly little mustache? Just goes to show that even the worst ideas can have a humorous origin story..
• Headline: Knowland Optimistic; Will Make Appraisal. Impact: Knowland's optimism about Rockefeller entering the primary ultimately led to a political circus that would put even the greatest clowns to shame. The moral of the story? Never trust a man with too much optimism.. Fact: Did you know that optimism in politics is like a unicorn? Everyone claims to believe in it, but deep down, they know it's just a fairy tale. Good luck finding that mythical creature!.
• Headline: LEROY LEE ODELL. Impact: LeRoy Lee Odell's legacy is a reminder that some names are destined to be forgotten, while others become trivia questions at dull parties. Spoiler: nobody remembers LeRoy.. Fact: Did you know that the most common cause of name forgetfulness is simply being overshadowed by more interesting people? Sorry, LeRoy, but you drew the short straw in the history lottery..
• Headline: David Low Is Dead; Cartoonist Was 72; Low's Broad Stroke Held a Sharp Cutting Edge. Impact: David Low's death marked the end of an era in political cartooning, leading to a decline in sharp wit and an increase in poorly drawn memes. Thanks a lot, internet.. Fact: Did you know that David Low once made a cartoon that was so sharp, it could cut glass? Too bad the internet can't seem to replicate that level of creativity..