SEPTEMBER 12, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lodge Urges Diem to Dismiss Nhu. Impact: Lodge's request to Diem to oust his brother may have inadvertently set off a chain reaction leading to the eventual fall of the South Vietnamese government. If only they had just sent a strongly-worded email instead!. Fact: Fun fact: The ousting of influential family members is a common theme throughout history. Just ask any royal family or the Kardashians!.
• Headline: Proposed National Seashore for Fire Island. Impact: Encouraging the establishment of a national seashore might have led to an increase in the number of beach selfies, which in turn spawned an entire industry of influencer culture. Thanks, Fire Island!. Fact: Did you know 'Fire Island' sounds like a reality TV show? It could be about people battling nature and their own bad decisions!.
• Headline: Garrett Rejects Curtiss' $50 Offer. Impact: Garrett's fight against the takeover bid might have inspired countless future corporate warriors to don their armor and battle it out in the boardroom, leading to the rise of hostile takeovers and corporate drama shows.. Fact: Corporate raids are just like pirate raids, except the pirates wear suits and argue over stock prices instead of treasure maps!.
• Headline: BRITISH LIBERALS ASK VAST REFORM; Party Session Favors Major Changes in Parliament New Chamber Suggested. Impact: If British Liberals had their way with parliamentary reforms, we might have seen a world where political debates were replaced with tea parties and biscuit-sharing sessions. Who wouldn’t want to vote with a biscuit in hand?. Fact: Fun fact: The British Parliament has more traditions than a family reunion—only half of them make sense!.
• Headline: Goldwater Charges Kennedy Is Heading To Socialized State; Goldwater Says Administration Heads Toward 'Socialized State'. Impact: Goldwater's accusations of a 'socialized state' may have scared politicians into a frenzy of capitalism, leading to an endless loop of tax cuts that would eventually make even the wealthy feel poor. Thanks for the paranoia, Barry!. Fact: Did you know 'socialism' is just a word that makes some politicians break out in a cold sweat? It’s like their kryptonite!.
• Headline: ITALY SAYS AUSTRIA TWISTS TYROL FACTS. Impact: Italy's dispute with Austria over Tyrol could have sparked an entirely new reality TV show called 'Border Wars: The Alps Edition', where countries argue over mountains and cheese.. Fact: Fun fact: The last time there was a serious dispute over Tyrol, they didn't have social media. Imagine the memes!.
• Headline: City Code to Limit Apartment Noises; CITY ACTS TO CURB APARTMENT NOISE. Impact: Limiting apartment noises could have inadvertently led to the invention of the soundproof apartment, creating a whole new market for introverts and aspiring hermits.. Fact: Did you know that noise complaints are basically the adult version of 'he hit me first' on the playground? Welcome to grown-up life!.
• Headline: Iran Lets Contract For Oil Refinery; CONTRACT IS LET ON IRAN REFINERY. Impact: The contract for the oil refinery in Iran likely set off a domino effect that encouraged oil companies to start playing geopolitical chess, leading to decades of intrigue and gas prices that make us weep.. Fact: Fun fact: Oil is like that friend who always shows up uninvited but brings snacks. You can't really kick them out, even if you want to!.
• Headline: BRITON SAYS FRANCE BARS MARKET TALKS. Impact: Britain's struggle with France over market talks could have led to a newfound appreciation for tea and crumpets as they drowned their sorrows over missed trade opportunities.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing longer than a Brexit negotiation is a French lunch break. Just imagine the food coma!.