SEPTEMBER 7, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Wiesner's Health Crisis Explained. Impact: Due to the near-fatal boating accident, Dr. Wiesner's pneumonia led to a breakthrough in medical research. Ironically, the innovations that followed allowed future generations to develop a vaccine that prevents all ailments related to excessive boat parties. Thanks, Dr. Wiesner!. Fact: Pneumonia: the one illness that can make you appreciate your couch more than ever..
• Headline: Todd Yards Research on Ship Maintenance Costs. Impact: Todd's involvement in this study inadvertently inspired the future creation of 'Ship Maintenance 101' as a mandatory course in naval academies across the globe. Who knew budget cuts could result in so much academic rigor?. Fact: Ship maintenance costs are like your credit card bills—always higher than you expect!.
• Headline: Revolutionizing Municipal Politics in 1950s. Impact: The defeat of DeSapio marked the beginning of a political renaissance, leading to the rise of both good and bad politicians who claimed to care about change while only changing their suits. The cycle continues like a bad reality show.. Fact: Municipal politics: where 'better' is just a relative term for 'less corrupt.'.
• Headline: American Wins a Prize At Italian Piano Contest. Impact: This victory inspired a wave of American musicians to think they can conquer Europe, leading to cultural exchanges that resulted in the invention of the ‘Jazz Pizza’—a culinary marvel that still haunts Italian diners today.. Fact: Winning a piano contest in Italy is basically the American dream, minus the pizza..
• Headline: Apollo Contract Awarded. Impact: This contract not only fueled the Apollo program but also paved the way for future contracts that would lead to the development of the technology to stream cat videos from space. A true milestone!. Fact: NASA: where building rockets and avoiding existential dread go hand in hand..
• Headline: MAYOR APPOINTS MEDIATION PANEL IN SCHOOL CRISIS; 3-Man Group Begins Work in Effort to Avert a Strike by Teachers Monday PACT OFFER IS REJECTED Union Membership Meeting Votes 5,219 to 758 to Go On With the Walkout Time Element Stressed Mood Is Friendly MEDIATORS ENTER SCHOOLS' DISPUTE Acted in Impasse Schools Plan to Open Cogen Had Given List Wait Under Grandstand. Impact: The formation of this mediation panel led to a series of increasingly complex negotiations that ultimately resulted in the invention of the ‘Teacher’s Union Cookbook’—a collection of recipes for stress-eating during contract negotiations.. Fact: Teacher strikes: the one time you can leave the classroom without getting detention!.
• Headline: ISIDOR WELS DIES; COURT REFORMER; Lawyer Who Helped Change Legal Procedure Was 81 Governors Favored Plan. Impact: Wels' passing marked the end of an era in legal reform, but his influence lived on, inadvertently inspiring the creation of legal dramas that would dominate television for decades. Thanks, Isidor, for Law & Order!. Fact: Isidor Wels: the man who thought legal procedures could be improved—what a revolutionary idea!.
• Headline: CATHOLIC PARENTS WITHDRAW PUPILS; Upstate Priest Asserts They Must Choose Parochial or Public Classes ENROLLMENTS DROP 50 Children Quit Church School as Cleric Rules Families Must Stay Together No Senior High School System Overcrowded Here. Impact: This decision led to a significant trend of parents questioning educational systems, eventually resulting in the rise of ‘homeschooling’ as a fashionable alternative. Who knew parenting could be so avant-garde?. Fact: Choosing between parochial or public school is like deciding between a rock and a hard place—good luck!.
• Headline: EMELINE STREET, 78, LED NURSING GROUP. Impact: Emeline’s leadership in nursing inspired a whole generation of caregivers, leading to the establishment of the 'Nurses' Union of Superheroes', where capes were optional but compassion was mandatory.. Fact: Being a nurse means you get to wear scrubs and still look better than most people in formal wear..
• Headline: William George Sutcliffe, Engineer at Dorr-Oliver. Impact: Sutcliffe’s engineering contributions helped lay the groundwork for innovations that would eventually lead to the creation of household appliances that do everything except laundry—thankfully, we still have that to complain about.. Fact: Engineers: the unsung heroes of society, unless you need to yell at someone about your broken toaster..