AUGUST 24, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cease-Fire Agreement Amidst Tensions. Impact: If only they had known that trading accusations would lead to a decades-long feud, perhaps they would have opted for a group hug instead. Who would have thought that a cease-fire could create a chain reaction of diplomatic awkwardness?. Fact: The U.N. has been trying to mediate conflicts since its inception, yet somehow, everyone still prefers to argue in public.
• Headline: Chicago Banker Under FBI Investigation. Impact: This banker’s flight from the F.B.I. set off a series of events leading to a national crisis in banking confidence, which ultimately resulted in increased regulations — proving that a few bad apples can spoil the whole orchard. Fact: When banks go bad, it’s not just the bankers who suffer; it’s also the unfortunate soul who just wanted to open a savings account!.
• Headline: TRANSPORT NEWS: A SEAWAY RECORD; Cargo Tonnage Again Tops 4 Million in July Sale in Alaska Postponed T.W.A. Adds Ocean Flights Flying Tiger Rates Backed. Impact: When cargo tonnage broke records, it triggered a global shipping frenzy that eventually led to the rise of online shopping. Thanks a lot, record-setting cargo!. Fact: The only record cargo tonnage doesn’t break is the one for most people complaining about shipping fees.
• Headline: U.S. Reviewing Its Policy In South Vietnam Crisis; Thought Given to Change U.S. IS REVIEWING POLICY ON SAIGON Harsh Attitude Evident. Impact: As the U.S. considered changing its policy, it set the stage for decades of diplomatic gymnastics that would leave future historians scratching their heads in confusion. Spoiler: it didn't turn out great. Fact: The U.S. reviewing policies is like your friend saying they'll think about going on a diet — it usually leads to more junk food.
• Headline: NEW DATA SOUGHT ON SEA CURRENTS; 3,000 Bottles to Be Dropped off Gulf and East Coasts. Impact: Dropping 3,000 bottles into the ocean sounds like a great way to learn about sea currents — or perhaps just a really expensive way to create underwater art installations. Fact: The ocean called; it wants its plastic bottles back. But hey, at least they’re fashionable red ones!.
• Headline: Bairds Are Doing Research On the Puppets of Europe. Impact: The Bairds' research on puppets could have inspired a new wave of puppet diplomacy. Imagine world leaders communicating through marionettes! That would have made for some interesting press conferences. Fact: Puppets have been known to have better negotiation skills than some politicians. Just saying!.
• Headline: The Sidney Lumets Separate. Impact: The separation of Sidney Lumet could have inspired a whole new genre of films about divorce, leading to an increase in therapy sessions for couples everywhere — thanks for the drama, Sidney!. Fact: Divorces in Hollywood are as common as bad sequels, and just as painfully drawn out.