AUGUST 10, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Remembering Dr. Chi Chao-ting. Impact: Dr. Chi's passing triggered a secret society of economists who convened to decide the fate of trade relations. Spoiler: they mostly just argued about whether to use Excel or Google Sheets. Fact: Chi Chao-ting was so influential that after his death, economists began to believe they could actually predict the market with more accuracy than a Magic 8-Ball.
• Headline: Life and Legacy of Rev. George D. Smith. Impact: Reverend Smith's influence rippled through the community, eventually leading to a bizarre revival movement known as 'The Great Pancake Prayer,' where followers believed flipping pancakes would bring them closer to divine enlightenment. Fact: If you think about it, Reverend Smith probably spent more time on his sermon than most people do choosing their breakfast.
• Headline: Junior G. Swartz: A Notable Figure. Impact: Swartz's obscure existence sparked a series of events that culminated in the invention of the Swartzian time travel theory—a theory that only works if you believe in it and have a hot dog in hand. Fact: Junior G. Swartz sounds like a character who would get lost in a grocery store and end up becoming a motivational speaker.
• Headline: World-Telegram Names New Managing Editor. Impact: The new managing editor, H. Kamm, inadvertently started the 'more is less' movement in journalism, leading to a strange era where headlines became longer than the articles themselves. Fact: If you think your job is tough, imagine being the editor trying to fit an entire novel into a 30-character headline.
• Headline: U.S. to Aid Upstate Village. Impact: The grant to Middlesex led to a chain reaction of village upgrades, ultimately resulting in the first-ever village-wide competition for the 'Best Lawn'—a title that changed lives and turf forever. Fact: Building a distribution and storage system? Sounds like a dream come true for the village's squirrels.
• Headline: Quebec's Industry Is Teaching French; QUEBEC INDUSTRY TEACHING FRENCH Bilingual Bulletin Boards. Impact: This initiative sparked a bilingual revolution, leading to a long-standing debate over the correct pronunciation of 'croissant' that still divides families to this day. Fact: Learning a new language is great until you realize you still can't pronounce 'quinoa' in either language.
• Headline: Books of The Times; Humor South (and North) of the Border End Papers. Impact: The review of the book led to a sudden spike in puns being used in serious literature, resulting in a literary genre now known as 'Pun Fiction'—and yes, it’s as bad as it sounds. Fact: The border humor was so good that it led to a secret competition between authors to see who could make the worst pun in the acknowledgments section.
• Headline: HARRY D. MATTESON. Impact: Matteson's impact on local politics led to an unprecedented era of campaign slogans that were longer than the actual policies they represented. Fact: If Harry D. Matteson had a dollar for every time someone mispronounced his name, he'd likely have enough to fund his own political campaign.
• Headline: COAST PHONE UNIT TO CHANGE HANDS; Western California Holders Accept Exchange Offer Rapid-American Bank of California. Impact: The change of hands began a cascade of events that ultimately led to the creation of a highly competitive phone service that still can't figure out how to stop telemarketers. Fact: This is what happens when you let phone companies play Monopoly. Spoiler: they never land on 'Go' and collect $200.