AUGUST 2, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Parochial Education on Families. Impact: If only the Catholics had studied the effects of their education system sooner, perhaps we wouldn't have had debates over the best way to teach 'why the sky is blue'—a subject that still baffles many.. Fact: Studies show that parochial education may lead to a heightened sense of morality, or at least a better understanding of guilt..
• Headline: Mayor Proposes End to Tuition Fees. Impact: Ending two-year tuitions could have sparked a nationwide trend of spontaneous tuition-free education, leaving students everywhere wondering what to do with their newfound free time—probably just binge-watching.. Fact: You know it's a serious issue when even the mayor wants to eliminate tuition; next up, they’ll probably try to tackle world peace!.
• Headline: Final Section Put in Place In Newburgh-Beacon Span. Impact: The completion of the Newburgh-Beacon Span may have prompted a wave of bridge envy, leading to a national bridge-building boom fueled by social media influencers.. Fact: Bridges are like friendships; they require maintenance, and sometimes, they just collapse unexpectedly..
• Headline: 20 Ft. Dix Soldiers Hurt As Car Hits Column of Men. Impact: The incident at Ft. Dix may have led to stricter protocols for troops, ultimately giving rise to a new generation of soldiers who are more skilled at dodging cars than advancing on the battlefield.. Fact: In military training, they really should add a module on 'Watch Out for Cars,' because apparently, that's a life skill..
• Headline: Chicago Suburb Orchestra Moves to Bar Hiring Bias. Impact: Oak Park Symphony's move against hiring bias might have inspired orchestras nationwide to replace their discrimination with elitism, because nothing says 'inclusivity' like a good ol' classical music snob.. Fact: The only thing more selective than an orchestra audition is a hipster café's espresso menu..
• Headline: Serbian Orthodox Bishop Installed Despite Pickets. Impact: The installation of the Serbian Orthodox Bishop despite protests may have set a precedent for ignoring public opinion, ultimately leading to a future where every controversial appointment is met with pickets and hashtags.. Fact: In the world of religious appointments, the only thing louder than pickets is the sound of the bishop's ringing endorsement..
• Headline: School Plan Is Opposed By N.A.A.C.P. in Norwalk. Impact: The NAACP's opposition to the school plan in Norwalk could have sparked a series of educational reforms, leading to an era where schools are more diverse—unless you count their cafeteria menus.. Fact: Picketing is just a fancy way of saying, 'We’re not happy, and we want you to hear about it, loudly!'.
• Headline: Developer at Breezy Point Gets $840,000 Mortgage. Impact: The mortgage at Breezy Point may have ignited a real estate frenzy, leading to a future where 'Breezy Point' becomes synonymous with 'overpriced beach property' and 'mortgage regret.'. Fact: Developers love mortgages; it’s like a love affair that ends with a lot of paperwork and a lifetime of payments..