JULY 17, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Auburn Editor Becomes State Group President. Impact: The election of C.J. Wellner as president led to an unprecedented surge in interest in local journalism, resulting in a bizarre cult of personality around state editors. This eventually led to a reality TV series about small-town newsrooms where editors bickered over headlines and coffee breaks, inadvertently popularizing the phrase 'scoop or be scooped.'. Fact: Did you know that being an editor is the only job where you can yell 'I’m the boss!' while still being significantly underpaid?.
• Headline: Keppel's Urgent Call for Educational Equity. Impact: Keppel's persistent appeals for federal aid to education created a time loop of bureaucracy, where every plea for funding led to a new committee being formed to discuss the last committee's findings. This eventually resulted in a national 'Committee for Committee Formation' that accomplished absolutely nothing. Fact: Fun fact: Inequality in education is like a bad haircut – it just keeps getting worse until someone finally decides to do something about it.
• Headline: A Well-Tempered Hope; 'Quoddy Bay Residents Will Believe In the Power Project When It Exists. Impact: Quoddy Bay’s residents believing in the power project led to an influx of environmentalists and conspiracy theorists claiming the power project was actually a cover-up for a secret underwater city inhabited by mermaids. This made Quoddy Bay the hipster destination for those seeking alternative lifestyles. Fact: Did you know that believing in mermaids can actually improve your mental health? Just don’t expect them to help with your water bill.
• Headline: Teresa Stratas Explains Why She Quit at Bolshoi. Impact: Teresa Stratas quitting at the Bolshoi Theater sparked a wave of artists deciding to leave their prestigious jobs, leading to a global trend of quitting in dramatic fashion. This ultimately culminated in the viral 'Quit Your Job' challenge, where people would film their exits while dramatically reciting Shakespeare. Fact: Did you know that quitting dramatically makes you 50% cooler? Sadly, it doesn't pay the bills, but at least you’ll be remembered.
• Headline: Nixon Doubts Rightists Could Capture the G.O.P.; Defends Senator. Impact: Nixon doubting the rightists capturing the G.O.P. led to a bizarre domino effect where every subsequent Republican presidential candidate had to audition for their spot, leading to a series of talent shows that rivaled American Idol in absurdity and cringe-worthy performances. Fact: Did you know that auditioning for the presidency is just like auditioning for a school play? Everyone thinks they can do it, but only a select few can actually pull it off without embarrassing themselves.
• Headline: U.S. DROPS MUSLIMS IN ALLEGIANCE CASE. Impact: The dismissal of 12 Black Muslims for refusing to pledge allegiance sparked debates about loyalty and identity that echoed through history, resulting in the creation of a fictional superhero named 'Allegiance Man' who fought for the rights of all citizens, regardless of their pledges. Fact: Did you know that loyalty oaths are like bad sitcoms? They might seem funny at first, but they quickly become a tiresome cliché that nobody wants to sit through.
• Headline: U.S. FILES ANSWERS TO HOFFA'S MOTION. Impact: The Justice Department's opposition to Hoffa's motion caused a rift in the labor movement, leading to underground unions forming in secret basements, all while plotting their next big heist – a heist that would eventually be turned into a blockbuster movie where Hoffa was portrayed by a cartoon character. Fact: Did you know that if Jimmy Hoffa had a dollar for every time he was involved in a legal battle, he could have funded his own legal defense team? Oh wait, he kind of did!.