JULY 13, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: India Supports Western Air Defense Initiative. Impact: If India had rejected the plan, the butterfly effect might have led to a world where Chinese air superiority was so rampant that they started selling tickets for air tours of India. Imagine tourists taking selfies from Chinese fighter jets over the Taj Mahal. Fact: Did you know that air defense plans are like gym memberships? Everyone talks about them, but only a few actually commit to it.
• Headline: Khrushchev's Policy Dilemma on Eve of Inspections. Impact: Khrushchev’s indecisiveness could have sent ripples across time, resulting in an alternate universe where leaders consulted astrologers instead of strategists. The world would now have monthly horoscopes instead of summits. Fact: Fun fact: Khrushchev’s favorite method of communication was sending messages via carrier pigeon. The pigeons were not as reliable, but at least they were less likely to start a nuclear war.
• Headline: Col. Owen Kennan, Survivor Of Lusitania Sinking, Dies. Impact: Had he lived longer, he might have penned a memoir that would have inspired countless historical fiction novels, ultimately leading to a film adaptation starring a very confused Leonardo DiCaprio as a soldier stranded in a sinking ship. Fact: The Lusitania sinking was a pivotal moment in history, proving that sometimes, being a survivor means you just have really bad luck with boats.
• Headline: L.I. RECEPTION OPENS CULTURAL FESTIVAL. Impact: The cultural festival could have sparked a wave of artistic movements, turning Long Island into the Brooklyn of the 21st century, complete with artisanal pickles and hipster art galleries in every corner. Fact: Did you know that cultural festivals are the only time when people willingly pay to be crowded into a space with strangers to eat overpriced food and pretend to enjoy art?.
• Headline: 3 Faiths to Press Racial Justice At National Meeting in Chicago; Baptists and Methodists Act Appeal by Spellman Greek Orthodox at Fair Priest in University Post Episcopal Ordination. Impact: This interfaith gathering might have created a timeline where religious leaders became the go-to figures for social justice, leading to a world where 'holy alliances' were more common than political coalitions. Fact: Fun fact: Racial justice discussions among faiths are one of the few times when people actually agree on something—perhaps because they hope divine intervention will save them from the awkward silence.
• Headline: Queen's Mark Goes On Thames Swans In Ceremony Today. Impact: The crowning of swans might have set in motion a monarchy for wildlife, leading to a future where animals had their own royal titles, and swan parliaments debated the best bread crumbs. Fact: Did you know that swans are known for their grace? They might be the only creatures that can make even royalty look clumsy.
• Headline: 2-Ton Bronze by Pevsner Is Going to U. of Chicago. Impact: The bronze statue’s arrival could have inspired a wave of 'bronze-ology' courses, leading to a future where students majored in sculpting while debating the philosophical implications of heavy metal. Fact: Fun fact: 2 tons of bronze is just enough to make a statue that will last longer than most of the relationships in college.
• Headline: 2 Billion Saving Credited To Publicity-Shy Agency. Impact: Had the agency been more public, it might have sparked an obsession with transparency in government, leading to a timeline where all secretive agencies were replaced by overly dramatic reality shows. Fact: Did you know that being publicity-shy is a great way to accidentally save billions? Note to self: avoid cameras and financial advisors.