JUNE 5, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mounties' Discharge Error Sparks Controversy. Impact: If the Mounties hadn't made such a colossal mess of their job, perhaps Canada would have never developed its reputation for politeness. Imagine a world where Canadian politeness was replaced by a fiery passion for political debates – it would be a sight to see! Or not, because they'd still apologize for interrupting.. Fact: Did you know that the Canadian Mounties were originally created to help control the unruly local populations? Guess they got a little too excited about their 'hunting' skills!.
• Headline: Treasury Celebrates Debt Milestone. Impact: The Treasury's race against the national debt is like a hamster wheel: it looks like progress, but in reality, they’re just running in circles. This inspired future generations to create even more complex financial systems – because why not add more confusion?. Fact: Did you know that in 1964, if you stacked the national debt on top of each other, it would reach the moon? Oh wait, just kidding. That's the total debt! But it would make a very tall tower..
• Headline: GROUP TO INSURE FAIR EXHIBITORS; Michelangelo's 'Pieta,' Said to Be Worth 100 Million, Among Art to Be Covered. Impact: Insuring Michelangelo's 'Pieta' could have led to the world's most dramatic art heist movies – imagine thieves trying to steal a statue while dodging lasers and falling through trapdoors. Hollywood would have loved it!. Fact: Did you know that Michelangelo completed the 'Pieta' when he was only 24? Talk about a high achiever! I was still figuring out how to microwave popcorn at that age..
• Headline: HOUSE VOTE BARS NEW CABINET POST; Amends Reorganization Act, 227-174--Move Is Aimed at Urban Affairs Plan Roll-Call Is Demanded House Denies President Power To Form New Cabinet Agencies. Impact: As cosmic rays bombard Earth, perhaps this is what sparked the conspiracy theories about aliens watching us. If only we knew they were just trying to get a good look at humanity's poor decisions.. Fact: Did you know that cosmic rays can actually be beneficial? They have been linked to some pretty cool science, like cloud formation. So, thanks, cosmic rays! Keep on bombarding!.
• Headline: Bombardment of Cosmic Rays From Other Galaxies Is Rising. Impact: The stalling of the Fire Island bill meant less pristine beaches for future generations. Who knew that a few bureaucratic hold-ups could lead to years of sunburn and overpriced beach umbrellas?. Fact: Did you know that Fire Island is known for its wildlife? They say the seagulls have a better grasp of politics than the average congressperson!.
• Headline: FIRE ISLAND BILL APPEARS STALLED; Congress Unlikely to Create National Seashore This Year, Capital Believes Bipartisan Appeal Absent. Impact: Cardinal Wyszynski's illness kept him from attending the funeral – which led to a series of unfortunate events in the Catholic Church's PR strategy. Who needs a well-timed appearance when you can create a dramatic absence?. Fact: Did you know that the Catholic Church has had its fair share of dramatic absences? It's practically a soap opera at this point..
• Headline: Cardinal Wyszynski is III. Impact: Congress's resolutions of sorrow for Pope John XXIII set a precedent for future leaders to send condolences instead of actual solutions. It's like sending flowers to a funeral but forgetting to show up.. Fact: Did you know that Pope John XXIII was known for modernizing the Church? Too bad Congress couldn't modernize their condolences as well!.
• Headline: Congress Is Unanimous In Resolutions of Sorrow; Italy's President Praises 'Great Teaching' of Pope Pheru Campaign at Standstill British and Soviet in Tribute Johnson to Attend Funeral.