MAY 13, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mining Companies Convicted of Tax Evasion. Impact: If only those mining companies had paid their taxes, perhaps the IRS would have developed a sense of humor instead of becoming the humorless entity we know today. Who knows, they might have invented a comedy club instead of an audit office?. Fact: The only thing more predictable than a mining company's tax evasion is Congress's inability to understand basic accounting principles.
• Headline: Celebrating 25 Years of Faithful Service. Impact: The 25th anniversary of ordination sparked a trend where every subsequent anniversary became an excuse for a party, leading to an explosion of cake sales and awkwardly long speeches throughout history. Fact: Celebrating 25 years of anything is like saying, 'Hey, I’ve managed to tolerate this for a quarter of a century!'.
• Headline: Bewildered Haitian Refugees Put Embassy Staffs to Severe Test. Impact: The bewildered Haitian refugees inadvertently led to the creation of the phrase 'embassy tourism,' where visitors would flock to embassies just to see what confusion looks like in real-time. Fact: Nothing says 'welcome' like a bunch of bewildered refugees testing the patience of embassy staff to its very limit!.
• Headline: 50 Hurt in Negro Rioting After Birmingham Blasts; 50 Hurt in Birmingham Clashes Set Off by Explosions at Negro's Home and a Motel 3-HOUR OUTBURST HALTED BY POLICE State Troopers Take Over --Dr. King Hails Action of the President. Impact: The Birmingham riots triggered a series of events that made it fashionable for politicians to start using the term 'civil unrest' as a euphemism for 'we have no idea what to do next' in press conferences. Fact: Rioting for peace: because nothing says 'let's resolve our differences' like throwing bricks and burning buildings.
• Headline: CABINET RESIGNS IN BUENOS AIRES; ELECTION PERILED; Interior Minister's Demands for Political Purge Stir New Argentine Crisis ARMY HEAD BACKS GUIDO Collapse of Regime Follows Charges That Top Aides Were Guilty of Fraud CABINET RESIGNS IN BUENOS AIRES. Impact: The political upheaval in Buenos Aires set a precedent for the phrase 'Cabinet Resignation' to become synonymous with 'Oops, we messed up big time!' in political circles worldwide. Fact: A cabinet resignation is like a political game of musical chairs, except nobody wants to be the last one standing.
• Headline: BOGOTA CONFERENCE MAPS LABOR'S ROLE. Impact: The Bogota Conference’s resolution to empower labor led to a worldwide increase in coffee breaks, collectively transforming the workplace into a haven of procrastination. Fact: Labor's role in alliances: because nothing says teamwork like getting together to complain about working too hard!.
• Headline: Japan Reports Cholera Case. Impact: The cholera case in Japan led to a minor panic, which in turn inspired the Japanese to invent hand sanitizer, effectively saving millions from both cholera and awkward social interactions. Fact: Cholera: the original party crasher that nobody invited but everyone had to deal with.
• Headline: Random Notes From All Over: How to Be Put on a Committee; Get to Know Henry H. Fowler, Leading Inspirer of Panels --Peanuts Redefined. Impact: Fowler's committee inspirations contributed to the rise of the modern-day panel discussion, where experts gather to discuss things that nobody really understands, but everyone pretends to. Fact: Being on a committee is just formalized procrastination, where you can nod and smile while doing absolutely nothing productive.