MAY 10, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: House Approves Controversial Security Dismissals. Impact: This bill allowed the Defense Secretary to fire employees on a whim, leading to a future where job security became as mythical as Bigfoot. The chain reaction? A surge in the popularity of the 'Find a New Job' support group.. Fact: Did you know that having job security is so last century? Welcome to the modern workplace, where your boss can dismiss you faster than you can say 'unemployment benefits'..
• Headline: New Leadership at American Brake Shoe. Impact: R.C. Gott's appointment as director sparked a series of 'who cares?' events in the corporate world, leading to a domino effect of board meetings where absolutely nothing important was discussed.. Fact: Fun fact: the most exciting thing about board meetings is the free coffee. Spoiler alert: it’s usually terrible..
• Headline: Advertising: Pirating of Campaigns Debated; Similar Formats Used Sentiments Echoed Integrated Ads Rating Services Accounts People Addenda. Impact: The debate over ad campaign pirating ignited an ongoing battle in the marketing world, where agencies now have to constantly watch their backs and their ideas. It's like living in a reality show where everyone is a backstabber.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than a bad ad is a stolen one? It’s like finding out your twin is a less successful version of you..
• Headline: MOSES SUCCESSOR IN L.I. POSTPICKED; Assemblyman Duryea Due to Head Park Commission. Impact: The appointment of Assemblyman Duryea brought about a future filled with park commissions that sound more like playgrounds for politicians than actual parks. Thanks for the green space, but can we get a swing set?. Fact: Did you know that park commissions are the best place for politicians to practice their swings? And no, I don’t mean golf..
• Headline: HAITI IS REPORTED BARRING RETURN OF O.A.S. MISSION; Outcome of Latins' Inquiry on Refugees Uncertain U.N. Hearing Suspended Safety of 22 Sought HAITI SAID TO BAR MISSION OF O.A.S.. Impact: Haiti's refusal to allow the O.A.S. mission back led to a series of diplomatic faux pas that could only be rivaled by a toddler refusing to share their toys. The ripple effects? A lot of confused diplomats and a shortage of crayons.. Fact: Did you know that diplomatic missions often resemble high school drama? It’s all about who gets to sit at the cool kids' table..
• Headline: PERJURY CHARGED TO S.L.A. WITNESS; Theater Agent Is Held After Testifying Under Immunity Released in Bail. Impact: The perjury charge against the S.L.A. witness created a whirlwind of legal battles, leading to a future where everyone suddenly became an expert on courtroom dramas. Thanks, Hollywood!. Fact: Did you know that perjury is just a fancy word for 'I changed my mind'? Good luck with that in court!.
• Headline: College Will Honor Bishop of Brooklyn. Impact: Bishop McEntegart receiving the St. De La Salle Medal set a precedent for future religious honors, leading to a 21st-century trend where everyone gets a medal just for showing up. Participation trophies for the soul!. Fact: Did you know that religious medals are just the spiritual version of a gold star? Because who doesn’t love shiny things?.
• Headline: City to Weigh Peril Of Nuclear Plant Sought for Queens; CITY WILL STUDY ATOMIC PROJECT Controversial Power Plant Proposed for Queens. Impact: The city’s consideration of a nuclear plant in Queens prompted a wave of public concern and an uptick in conspiracy theories about three-eyed fish in the nearby waters. Thanks, but no thanks, Homer Simpson.. Fact: Did you know that Queens is already home to some of the most interesting characters? Adding a nuclear plant would just be the cherry on top of the bizarre sundae..