APRIL 24, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Science Academy Supports Engineers' Organization. Impact: The formation of a co-equal organization led to engineers inventing the world's first self-replicating toaster. This sparked a crisis in the bread industry, resulting in the Great Toast Shortage of 1975. Fact: Engineers always wanted to be treated equally. Little did they know, that would just mean more meetings and less time for actual engineering.
• Headline: British Railway Union Protests for Rights. Impact: The 3-day protest strike inadvertently inspired a new genre of music: 'Railway Blues.' This music became the soundtrack for every sad train ride in history. Fact: Protests are often the birthplaces of great art. Who knew a strike could lead to a Grammy-winning album?.
• Headline: Erhard Confirmed as Adenauer's Successor. Impact: Erhard's confirmation as Adenauer's successor led to a series of increasingly bizarre political alliances, culminating in a coalition that included a clown and a cat. Yes, both ran for office. Fact: Political success often hinges on the strangest alliances. Just ask any cat running for mayor.
• Headline: Pentagon Appoints Chief For Army Nursing Corps. Impact: The appointment of a chief for the Army Nursing Corps led to the development of the first-ever combat medic fashion line, because who says you can't look good while saving lives?. Fact: Nurses in the Army are trained to handle more than just wounds; they also handle the egos of soldiers who think they're invincible.
• Headline: PROXMIRE REMOVES AIDE FROM PAYROLL. Impact: Proxmire's payroll shuffle led to a series of unfortunate events where aides decided to pursue degrees in underwater basket weaving instead of politics. This revolutionized both fields. Fact: An aide in school? That's just code for 'I need a break from your nonsense.'.
• Headline: New Cabinet Is Selected By President of Colombia; COLOMBIA CABINET. Impact: The selection of a new cabinet in Colombia resulted in the world's first cabinet meeting held underwater, believing it would foster more 'fluid' discussions. Fact: Colombian politics: where the only thing deeper than the cabinet is the ocean they meet in.
• Headline: Priest in New Orleans Tells Of Attack by Segregationist. Impact: The priest's warning about segregationists led to a secret society of priests who became social justice ninjas, fighting discrimination with stealth and holy water. Fact: Sometimes, the most unlikely heroes wear collars instead of capes. Who knew the clergy would become the original Avengers?.
• Headline: World Chamber of Commerce Hears Nationalism Criticized; Discrimination Detailed Freer Trade Is Urged TRADE DEPLORES NATIONALIST RISE. Impact: The criticism of nationalism at the World Chamber of Commerce resulted in an alternate universe where countries barter in cheese and chocolate instead of money. There's now a global cheese crisis. Fact: Nationalism may be bad for trade, but it certainly makes for good cheese puns. Gouda for thought!.
• Headline: David Rockefeller Offers a Plan Of Business Advice on Latin Aid; Would Set Up Private Panels to Work With Governments on Alliance for Progress Urges Hemisphere Unit Cities Capital Outflow Says Problems Vary. Impact: Rockefeller's plan for business advice sparked the Great Latin American Business Conference of 1965, which was a massive failure due to lack of actual businesses showing up. They all went to the beach instead. Fact: Advisory panels are like group projects—everyone shows up, but you know someone is just there for the snacks.
• Headline: PAYROLLS IN STEEL SHOW SMALL RISE; Gains Below Those in Other Areas, Joint Group Hears Rises Less Than Previously. Impact: The small rise in steel payrolls led to a nationwide obsession with steel-themed reality shows, resulting in a phenomenon where steelworkers were inadvertently turned into celebrities. Fact: If you ever thought steel was boring, just remember: it once had its own reality TV show. Welcome to the age of Steel Stars!.