APRIL 18, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: IRS Files Over $1 Million in Liens. Impact: Had the IRS not filed those liens, Goldfine might have invested in a time machine, leading to the invention of time travel a decade earlier. But alas, we are still stuck in 2023.. Fact: The IRS has a PhD in making your life miserable, one lien at a time..
• Headline: Presidents Celebrate Pan-American Caravan. Impact: This tour could very well have sparked a new era of international friendship, but instead, it just led to a lot of awkward small talk at diplomatic dinners.. Fact: Hailing a tour is much like hailing a cab; sometimes it just doesn't show up..
• Headline: Contaminated Tuna Cans Embargoed. Impact: The embargo on tuna cans might have inadvertently led to the rise of veganism a few decades later. Who knew fishy business could change diets?. Fact: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When it gives you contaminated tuna, just embargo it and hope for the best..
• Headline: Chicago Mob Demonstrates Over Tenancy by Negroes. Impact: This mob's actions might have unintentionally pushed civil rights movements forward, as their disgrace only highlighted the absurdity of racial tensions.. Fact: Nothing says 'we're making progress' like a mob protesting a family moving into a new apartment. Real classy, Chicago..
• Headline: Franco Foes Storm Embassy. Impact: This embassy storming could be seen as a precursor to social media outrage, where people break down doors instead of just walls of communication. Progress?. Fact: Embassies: where you can throw a tantrum and still be diplomatic about it..
• Headline: ROCKEFELLER BARS A SPECIAL SESSION ON BEAME'S PLAN; Sees 'No Need' for Albany Action as City Now Has '400-Million Tax Power' MAYOR DISAVOWS IDEA He Says in Bahamas 'I Did Not Ask for Session' Hoving Backs Controller Wagner Comments Wants Official Unity ROCKEFELLER BARS A SPECIAL SESSION. Impact: Rockefeller’s refusal for a special session may have inspired future politicians to just say 'no' to everything, leading to the current state of gridlock we all know and love.. Fact: In politics, 'no need' often translates to 'I don’t want to deal with this right now.'.
• Headline: SOVIETS EMPLACE ANTI-MISSILE BASE; Authorities Doubt That It Is Better Than Ours. Impact: The Soviets' anti-missile base was like a tech race that never really got off the ground, manifesting as the reason for countless spy novels and action movies.. Fact: It's always comforting to know that even the Soviets had doubts about their tech. Makes you feel better about your own questionable choices..
• Headline: General Motors Wins Prize. Impact: GM winning a prize could have inspired a future where every car manufacturer gets a trophy just for participating, leading to the current state of 'everyone's a winner.'. Fact: Congrats to GM for winning an award! Now if only they could win 'Most Likely to Actually Fix the Roads.'.
• Headline: PRESIDENT GETS REPORT ON STEEL; Returns to Washington Will Speak Tomorrow. Impact: Kennedy's steel report might have launched a thousand debates about the price of steel, leading to a never-ending cycle of inflation and economic frustration.. Fact: When it comes to steel, everyone has an opinion. It's like the weather but with more shouting..
• Headline: Pig Iron Price Rise. Impact: The rise in pig iron prices could be seen as a catalyst for a future pig iron shortage, leading to the black market for... well, pig iron. Because that's what we need.. Fact: Pig iron: because sometimes you just need to get your hands dirty in the iron business..