APRIL 8, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Canadian Newsprint Sales Decline Significantly. Impact: The decrease in newsprint sales led to a surge in digital media consumption, which ultimately resulted in an entire generation of people not knowing what a newspaper looks like. Thanks, 2 strikes! Now we have TikTok instead.. Fact: Did you know that without those 33 million dollars, Canada had to resort to making maple syrup the official currency? Just kidding, but wouldn't that be sweet?.
• Headline: Toronto's Downtown Development Boom. Impact: The downtown improvements sparked a wave of urban gentrification, eventually transforming Toronto into the 'city where you can't afford a cup of coffee without selling a kidney.'. Fact: Did you know Toronto's downtown improvement plan included a secret clause stating that every new building must have at least one overpriced café? Because why not?.
• Headline: NAVY ADVOCATES NUCLEAR POWER IN ALL BIG SHIPS; Leaders, in Major Reversal of Policy, Support Idea of Atomic Surface Fleet A.E.C.'S STAND PREVAILS New Studies Indicate That Cost Is Offset by Value of Extra Cruising Range NAVY ADVOCATES A NUCLEAR FLEET Cost vs. Efficiency. Impact: The push for nuclear-powered ships eventually led to the rise of the 'Atomic Navy', which accidentally inspired a series of sci-fi movies about sentient submarines. Spoiler alert: they didn't end well.. Fact: Did you know that if the Navy had gone full steam ahead with nuclear ships, we might have had a fleet of vessels that could travel anywhere—except the nearest repair dock?.
• Headline: PROBATION CHIEF PLANS TO RETIRE; Halpern, 73, to Mark 53 Years in Criminology. Impact: Halpern's retirement opened the door for a new generation of probation officers who thought they could change the world with motivational posters and 'team-building' exercises. Spoiler: they couldn't.. Fact: Did you know that Halpern's retirement party was the only time probation officers were allowed to break the law? Don't worry, it was just a 'bring your own cake' situation..
• Headline: Back to 8500 B.C.; Salt Lake City Learns That the State Has Been Inhabited for 10,000 Years. Impact: This revelation prompted a flurry of archaeological digs that only confirmed one thing: ancient humans were just as confused about their place in the universe as we are today.. Fact: Did you know that if only they had known about modern-day Salt Lake City, they might have decided to just stick with the caves? At least the rent was cheaper..
• Headline: 4 STATIONS DROP NIELSEN RATINGS; 'Discouraged' by Services and Fees, Official Says 4 STATIONS DROP NIELSEN RATINGS. Impact: The decline of Nielsen ratings led to the rise of social media influencers as the new arbiters of taste. Because who needs actual viewership data when you can just ask your cat for its opinion?. Fact: Did you know that dropping Nielsen ratings is basically like saying, 'I don't care how many people watched my show; I just want to be popular on Instagram'?.
• Headline: SUFFOLK SEES PERIL IN CESSPOOL RULING. Impact: The cesspool ruling sparked a health crisis that led to a massive public awareness campaign, ensuring that everyone learned the hard way that proximity matters—especially when it comes to sewage.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than a cesspool is a cesspool with a view? Just kidding; they’re all bad..
• Headline: PESTICIDE REPORT POSING CONFLICTS; Study on Dieldrin Stresses Officials Problems Sprayed Along Roads No Direct Evidence. Impact: The controversy over pesticides led to a nationwide movement pushing for organic farming, which eventually turned into a full-blown obsession with kale. Thanks, Dieldrin!. Fact: Did you know that Dieldrin was so contentious it inspired a new generation of 'pesticide-free' zealots who now refuse to eat anything that wasn't grown in their backyard?.
• Headline: RIGHTIST ATTACK FLARES ON COAST; But Bombing and a Walker Talk Make Little Impact Calls U.N. a 'Sell-out' Plaque Given to Walker. Impact: The rightist attack only galvanized the left into organizing more protests, which in turn led to the birth of the modern protest culture that we all know and love today. Thank you, Walker!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more divisive than a plaque for General Walker was the argument over whether pineapple belongs on pizza?.