MARCH 31, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Knight Steps Down from California Campaign. Impact: When Knight decided to close his campaign office, it set off a chain reaction of political apathy that would eventually lead to a nationwide phenomenon of people assuming all politicians just want to close their offices and go home. Fact: Did you know that closing campaign offices is actually the first step in launching a career as a professional Netflix binge-watcher?.
• Headline: Rigging Inquiry: Dual Perspectives Revealed. Impact: This inquiry could be the very reason why future politicians will think twice before entering a game of poker with their colleagues. It may have also led to the invention of the phrase 'I swear, it's not about the money.'. Fact: The only thing more suspicious than a lie detector test is the fact that we still think they work. Spoiler: they don't.
• Headline: Cuba's Apology for U.S. Vessel Attack. Impact: Cuba's apology was like that awkward moment when you accidentally text the wrong person. It didn’t just cool jets; it ignited a whole new era of diplomatic 'Oops, my bad!' exchanges. Fact: Did you know that apologizing can actually be a sign of strength? Unless you're a country, then it just means you probably did something really bad.
• Headline: Colonel Recants Support Of McNamara on Plane; Tells Inquiry He Reluctantly Signed Report That Differences in TFX Designs Were Not Significant COLONEL RECANTS ON PLANE REPORT Written After Inquiry Begun Troubled by Action. Impact: Colonel Gregory's recantation was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, leading to a military culture so riddled with paperwork that it eventually inspired the invention of paper shredders. Fact: Military reports are like high school essays: full of fluff, hard to read, and nobody really wants to admit they actually wrote it.
• Headline: NEW CONGO RIOTS SWEEP PORT CITY; 17 REPORTED DEAD; Night of Terror in Boma Laid to Troops After Civilians Kill Soldier in Fight Killing and Looting Reported Riot Laid to Street Fight Congolese Troops, Civilians Engage In Heavy Fighting. Impact: The riots in Congo were just a minor blip on the radar that would later inspire a world of 'how not to handle civil unrest' seminars. Spoiler: they’re still trying to figure that out. Fact: 17 dead from a street fight? Sounds like a chaotic night out, but in reality, it’s just a reminder that you should never mix crowds and military presence.
• Headline: Soviet Poet Answers Attacks And Pravda Gives Him Space; Yevtushenko Says Paris Paper Distorted Views-- Critics Unconvinced PRAVDA REPORTS DEFENSE BY POET. Impact: Yevtushenko’s defense in Pravda might have given poets everywhere the false impression that they could challenge authority without losing their day jobs. Spoiler: they can’t. Fact: In Russia, poetry is sometimes taken as seriously as politics—so, basically, good luck getting either one to make sense.
• Headline: U.S. to Expand Aid In Pacific Territory; Administration to Expand Aid To Trust Territory in Pacific 2,100 Islands in Trust Idea 'Premature' Still Subordinated. Impact: The expansion of aid in the Pacific was like giving a toddler a cookie—everyone thinks it's a great idea until they realize they have to deal with the consequent sugar rush. Fact: 2,100 islands is a lot to manage. If only the Pacific had a spreadsheet, it could have saved everyone a lot of headaches.
• Headline: U.S. and Soviet Seeking New Mineral Detector. Impact: The U.S. and the Soviet Union working on a mineral detector just goes to show that even during the Cold War, competition can lead to some surprising technological advancements. Who knew espionage could be so productive?. Fact: If they had only known that they could just ask for a friend’s lab results, they could have saved a fortune on research funding.
• Headline: New York Again Lifts The Title From Pender. Impact: Pender losing the title again was a classic case of 'what goes up must come down,' proving that in sports, just like in life, you can always count on the universe to keep you humble. Fact: Withdrawing recognition is just a fancy way of saying, 'We don’t like you anymore,' which sadly happens more often than not in both sports and social media.