MARCH 22, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Peking Trade Mission Arrives in Britain. Impact: This seemingly innocuous trade mission accidentally set off a chain reaction that led to the 'Great Tea Wars' of the late 20th century, where tea enthusiasts from both nations battled over the superior brew. Spoiler: it was always the British Earl Grey. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more awkward than a three-week trade mission is trying to explain to your boss why you can't stop eating their scones?.
• Headline: Import Drop of 150 Million Reported by Government. Impact: This drop in imports led to an unexpected rise in home gardening, as Americans took it upon themselves to grow their own tomatoes. Fast forward fifty years, and we’re still debating whether to call it heirloom or organic. Fact: Fun fact: The last time the government reported a drop, they were talking about the number of people willing to believe their economic forecasts.
• Headline: 'ABUSE' IS LAID TO SENATE AIDES IN PLANE INQUIRY; Principals in Controversy Over TFX Plane Arrive at Senate Hearing 'ABUSE' IS LAID TO SENATE AIDES McNamara Testified. Impact: This scandal opened a Pandora's box of Senate hearings that led to the creation of a new reality show: 'Senators in the Hot Seat.' Ratings soared, and so did the number of people questioning their political affiliations. Fact: Did you know that in the world of politics, 'abuse' is just a fancy term for 'we're really bad at keeping secrets'?.
• Headline: 2 Measles Vaccines Licensed; U.S. Sees End of Disease in 1965; U.S. AUTHORIZES 2 MEASLES DRUGS Vaccine Actions Differ. Impact: The licensing of these vaccines sparked a health revolution that eventually led to the rise of the anti-vaccine movement, which somehow turned into a conspiracy that Big Pharma was hiding the best pizza recipe. Fact: Did you know that measles vaccinations were the best thing to happen to public health since sliced bread? And yes, we still eat bread without fear of it being infected.
• Headline: Japanese Steel Dumping on West Coast Charged; U.S. Industry Leader Sends Complaint to Washington He Asks for an Investigation to Determine Any Violation. Impact: This complaint led to the infamous 'Steel Wars' where American and Japanese steel fought for supremacy in a series of dramatic showdowns, resulting in a new reality TV series called 'Steel Cage Showdown.'. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing heavier than steel is the weight of bureaucracy when it comes to international complaints.
• Headline: PRESIDENT FINDS ECONOMIC GAINS; Calls Outlook Encouraging but Insists on Tax Cut to Prevent a Recession Doubts on Recession Kennedy Stresses Need for Tax Cut Despite an Upturn. Impact: Kennedy's insistence on tax cuts led to an economic rollercoaster that resulted in an entire generation being born into the 'Tax Cut Baby Boom.' Now, they all collectively groan at tax season. Fact: Did you know that tax cuts have been known to make people happier? Or at least less grumpy as they watch their paychecks disappear.
• Headline: Sweeping Agrarian Reform Bill Submitted to Brazil's Congress. Impact: This reform bill ignited a wave of agrarian revolutions that eventually led to the invention of the world's first organic vegan cafe, which is now a front for the most secretive agricultural society on the planet. Fact: Did you know that agrarian reform is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s play musical chairs with the farmland?'.
• Headline: 2 COMPANIES FORM CHEMICAL CONCERN. Impact: The formation of this chemical company led to the unexpected rise of chemists becoming the new rock stars of the corporate world. Who knew lab coats could be so fashionable?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more volatile than chemicals is the debate over whether to put pineapple on pizza—oh wait, that's just as combustible!.