MARCH 7, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: NATO's Nuclear Strategy Under Debate. Impact: NATO's indecisiveness on atomic force encouraged future leaders to adopt a policy of 'let's just hope for the best,' leading to a series of international misunderstandings, awkward handshakes, and a rise in conspiracy theories about aliens controlling world leaders.. Fact: Did you know that NATO meetings often felt like a high school debate club where no one wanted to take the first step? Spoiler: they never resolved anything..
• Headline: John Pont Becomes Yale's Football Coach. Impact: John Pont's hiring at Yale started a bizarre tradition of football coaches being treated like gods, leading to the eventual construction of elaborate shrines in their honor, complete with gold-plated whistles.. Fact: Yale's football history is filled with such questionable choices; it's like they took 'D1' and said, 'How about 'D1-nosaurs' instead?'.
• Headline: Federal Funding for Atomic Power Plants. Impact: The federal funding for atomic power plants sparked a frenzy of nuclear excitement, ultimately leading to the world's first nuclear-powered toaster. Who knew breakfast could be so dangerous?. Fact: Fun fact: the first toaster was invented in 1921, but it wasn't until the atomic age that we thought, 'Why not supercharge it?'.
• Headline: KENNEDY IS FIRM ON TEST CHECKS; Says U.S. Will Bar a Treaty Without 'Every' Safeguard on Inspection in Soviet Other Important Issues Kennedy Says U.S. Will Demand All 'Safeguards' on Test Checks A Difference in Numbers. Impact: Kennedy's insistence on safeguards for nuclear test checks created a legacy of overly cautious bureaucratic processes, which eventually resulted in every single government meeting devolving into a three-hour debate over coffee preferences.. Fact: Did you know that 'safeguards' at government meetings often meant bringing in a cake to placate the critics? Because nothing says 'I’m listening' like dessert..
• Headline: Boeing Loss of Contract Attributed to Too-Low Bid; Incentive Features Set LOW BID BARRED, TFX INQUIRY TOLD Bid Called 'Normal'. Impact: Boeing's loss of contract due to a low bid set a precedent for companies to inflate bids artificially, leading to the infamous corporate strategy known as 'The Price is Right: Business Edition.'. Fact: Ironically, this situation proved that you can indeed bid low and still lose—just like in love, but with more paperwork..
• Headline: Advertising: New Horsepower Race; Explains Position Change at IBM Ad Decline Accounts People. Impact: The new horsepower race in advertising led to a chronic case of 'bigger is better' mentality among car manufacturers, ultimately resulting in a vehicle that could double as a small house.. Fact: IBM's ad declines were so pronounced that they thought about rebranding as 'I Buy Mostly'—truly a visionary marketing strategy..
• Headline: U.S. DROPS CHARGES IN BECK TAX CASES. Impact: The dropping of charges in the Beck tax cases encouraged a culture of impunity, leading future tax evaders to believe they could simply cash in on their bad decisions with a wink and a nod.. Fact: Beck and his co-conspirators may have felt relieved, but they would later find out that the taxman always comes knocking—sometimes with a sense of humor..
• Headline: U.S. May Cut Back On U.N. Payments; U.S. MAY REDUCE PAYMENTS TO U.N. Work Group Adjourns. Impact: The potential cutback on U.N. payments led to a thrilling game of 'who can ignore global issues the longest,' ultimately resulting in a U.N. that resembled a poorly attended neighborhood potluck.. Fact: Did you know that the U.N. has tried to solve more problems than a high school guidance counselor? Spoiler: results may vary..