FEBRUARY 16, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Italy Bans East German Skaters. Impact: This ban on East German skaters not only ruined their chances for glory but also sparked a series of events that led to the infamous 'Skating Iron Curtain' where figure skating became a secretive sport, only shared through cryptic emails and underground competitions in dark alleys. Fact: In a world where skaters were banned, the figure skating community held its own Olympics—called the 'Dark Ice Games'—where the only requirement was to wear sunglasses indoors.
• Headline: Rebels Overthrow Kassim in Iraqi Coup. Impact: The Iraqi coup on a shoestring budget not only toppled a government but also inspired countless future revolutions where rebels would strategically use coupons and discounts as their main form of currency. Fact: Ever wonder if rebels had a preferred brand of shoes? Spoiler alert: it was always the one on sale.
• Headline: BARGAINING FAILS IN RAIL INDUSTRY; Technology and Dwindling Revenues Raise Barriers to Collective Solutions 65,000 Jobs at Stake Some Other Disputes Technology, Sagging Business Affect Rail Industry Bargaining Less Business, Too. Impact: The failure of bargaining in the rail industry led to the creation of the 'Railway Monopoly Board Game', which ironically became wildly popular among industry executives who had no idea how to play. It was the first game where no one wanted to land on 'Go'. Fact: Collective bargaining was once thought to be a team sport; unfortunately, the 'team' never showed up.
• Headline: KHRUSHCHEV LAUDS BOND WITH PEKING; Says Russians and Chinese Will Join in the Final Act of Burying Capitalism KHRUSHCHEV LAUDS BOND WITH PEKING Offer Is Ignored. Impact: Khrushchev's enthusiastic praise of the Sino-Soviet bond created a chain reaction that ultimately led to the world's first 'Cold War' karaoke night, where they sang duets about their mutual disdain for capitalism. Fact: Khrushchev's karaoke skills were so legendary that they once considered him for a role on 'American Idol'—right after the fall of the Berlin Wall, of course.
• Headline: Patterson to Get $165,827. Impact: Patterson receiving his withheld money sparked a national debate on whether withholding funds could actually be a new form of sport—something like 'Financial Dodgeball', where the IRS was always the last one standing. Fact: The IRS once tried to start a crowdfunding campaign to get their money back, but it turns out nobody wanted to back a tax agency.
• Headline: U.S. Backs Africans Quitting Bulgaria; U.S. Backs Africans Quitting Bulgaria In Racial Dispute Problems in U.S. Cited. Impact: The U.S. backing Africans quitting Bulgaria led to a massive increase in international students opting for meme-based studies, which vastly improved global understanding of humor, albeit at the expense of serious scholarly pursuits. Fact: The only thing more complicated than the racial disputes in Bulgaria was the paperwork required for African students trying to study abroad. Spoiler: it was a lot.
• Headline: ARGENTINA BARS PERONIST ACTION; President Guido Prohibits Ex-Dictator's Followers From Role in Election Peronist Strength Feared Peron Disavowal Encouraged ARGENTINA BARS PERONIST ACTION. Impact: Argentina's decision to bar Peronist action not only kept Perón's followers in check but also created a secret society where they would meet in basements to discuss the merits of political memes over coffee and croissants. Fact: The decree against Peronist activities was so effective, it became a case study in procrastination for political science students everywhere.
• Headline: FRENCH SEIZE 5 IN PLOT TO TAKE DE GAULLE'S LIFE; Army Men Accused of Plan to Shoot Him on Visit to Military School CACHE OF ARMS TAKEN General Is Unruffled, but Continuing Threats Worry Leaders of the West President Is Calm Dangerous Opposition 5 Arrested as French Thwart Plot to Assassinate de Gaulle. Impact: The failed assassination plot against de Gaulle ultimately led to the rise of 'French Resistance' themed dinner parties across the globe, where guests had to dress as historical figures and recite elaborate plots over cheese and wine. Fact: De Gaulle was so calm, he could probably play poker with his enemies and win—without looking at his cards.