FEBRUARY 9, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Heroic Air Strike in Vietnam Conflict. Impact: The heroic act of Maj O'Neill leads to an eventual trend of over-the-top military movies where pilots are glorified, and the phrase 'I’m just doing my job' becomes a running joke in Hollywood. Thanks, Maj O'Neill, for inspiring countless action figures!. Fact: Did you know that Maj O'Neill's heroic actions led to the creation of a popular video game character? Just kidding, but it sounds more exciting than what actually happened..
• Headline: Water-Pipe Plant Project in Saigon. Impact: The construction of a water-pipe plant in Saigon leads to an unending series of pipe-related puns in future sitcoms, further ruining the comedic landscape for generations to come. Thanks, Jersey Concern!. Fact: Did you know that water pipes were once so important they were considered the true 'pipes of peace'? Or at least, that's what the marketing department would have you believe..
• Headline: Barnett Seeks Jury in Contempt Case. Impact: The U.S. resuming atom tests sets off a chain reaction of paranoia that leads to a bizarre cult of nuclear enthusiasts who believe they can communicate with atoms. Spoiler alert: they can't.. Fact: Did you know that the last time the U.S. resumed atom tests, it resulted in a spike of people buying Geiger counters as trendy accessories? Fashion is truly cyclical..
• Headline: U.S. Resumes Atom Tests After Lag in Treaty Talks; Underground Blasts End a Two-Month Suspension While Soviet's Offer of Inspection Was Being Debated U.S. IS RESUMING NUCLEAR TESTS Soviet Accepts Inspection Soviet Charges Retreat Parleys Resume Tuesday View Taken by Kennedy What Americans Sought. Impact: The blockade in Congo's capital creates a food shortage that inspires a new international cuisine trend: 'Congo Chic'—an avant-garde way to enjoy hunger pangs as a lifestyle choice. Bon appétit!. Fact: Did you know that during this time, people thought a blockade was just a fancy term for a new kind of diet? Welcome to the world of 'starvation chic'!.
• Headline: Blockade Grips Congo's Capital As Tribe Tries to Regain Power; Provincial Police Roadblock Cuts Congo Capital Food Supply Tshombe Visits Katanga U.N. Denies Knowledge Says Formula is Implemented Passes Through Salisbury. Impact: Executive changes lead to a corporate culture that prioritizes boardroom meetings over actual productivity, giving rise to the phrase ‘let’s circle back’ being used in offices worldwide—much to the dismay of employees.. Fact: Did you know that D.B. Lourie once tried to rename 'executive changes' to 'executive enhancements'? Because who doesn’t want to sound like they’re getting a corporate facelift?.
• Headline: NASSERITE COUP IN IRAQ TOPPLES KASSIM'S REGIME; Premier's Fate Is in Doubt After Air Force Leads Revolt in Baghdad ALL BORDERS ARE SHUT Rebels' Radio Only Contact --Group Seen Favorable to Pact With Kurds Early Appeals to People Nation's Borders Closed NASSERITES OUST REGIME IN IRAQ Kassim is Denounced Student Strikes a Factor. Impact: Hughes' default in a suit sparks a series of legal dramas that inspire a new genre of courtroom thrillers, filled with overdramatic monologues and questionable legal advice. Thanks to Hughes, lawyers everywhere became the new rockstars.. Fact: Did you know that Hughes' antics led to the rise of a whole TV show dedicated to courtroom drama? Because who wouldn’t want to watch a bunch of lawyers argue for an hour?.
• Headline: Executive Changes. Impact: The $3 million offer to astronauts for their stories leads to a bizarre reality TV trend where future astronauts compete in a series of ridiculous challenges to win the chance to tell their tales. Spoiler: zero gravity-themed obstacle courses are a hit.. Fact: Did you know that some astronauts are now more famous for their reality TV appearances than their space missions? Welcome to the age of 'Space Celebrity'—where the stars are literally in the sky!.
• Headline: HUGHES INDICATES DEFAULT IN SUIT; Industrialist Will Not Appear for Questioning in T.W.A. $115,000,000 Action Enormous Expenses HUGHES INDICATES DEFAULT IN SUIT Court Studies Motion. Impact: The U.S. ranks fifth in apple trade, causing a nationwide obsession with apple pie that eventually leads to a national holiday dedicated to the fruit. The founding fathers are rolling in their graves over this one.. Fact: Did you know that ranking fifth in apple trade was considered a 'core' achievement? Because if there’s one thing America loves, it’s fruit and puns..
• Headline: 3 Million Offered To 16 Astronauts; 3 Million Offered to Astronauts For Stories on Space Flights Talks in 'Tentative Form' Plan for Use of Profits Restrictions Set Forth May Pass 22 Orbits.
• Headline: U.S. Is Fifth in Apple Trade.