FEBRUARY 2, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kennedy Resumes Nuclear Test Preparations. Impact: In a bizarre twist, the resumption of underground atomic tests led to the invention of the 'Atomic Tummy Tuck' - a cosmetic procedure that became a bizarre trend in the 80s amongst the elite who wanted to appear 'nuclear chic'.. Fact: Did you know that underground tests are the original 'out of sight, out of mind'? It’s like the government thought, 'If we can’t see it, it’s totally not happening!'.
• Headline: Aluminum's Strategic Facility Acquisitions. Impact: Aluminum's acquisition of facilities led to a chain reaction that resulted in the creation of the world's first aluminum foil hat factory, which conspiracy theorists still claim protects them from mind control.. Fact: Did you know aluminum is actually great for cooking? Just don't try to roast marshmallows on it, or you might just get a taste of history... and some very melted foil..
• Headline: Germany Reassures U.S. on NATO Commitment. Impact: Bonn's reassurance to the U.S. inadvertently inspired a global trend of countries sending 'We’re totally not going to ditch you' cards, which are now collector's items.. Fact: Did you know that NATO is actually an acronym for 'Nope, Absolutely Totally Obliterating'? Just kidding, but the tension was definitely palpable!.
• Headline: RUSK APOLOGIZES ON CANADA ISSUE BUT BACKS CHARGE; Regrets Tone of Statement Calling Ottawa Slow in Building Up Arms Rush Cites Tradition Statement by Rusk RUSK APOLOGIZES ON CANADA ISSUE Senate Unit to Meet Warheads Sought. Impact: Rusk's apology was the catalyst for the world's first political 'sorry card' business, which quickly became a hit among politicians who couldn’t keep their foot out of their mouth.. Fact: Did you know that politicians apologize almost as much as they breathe? It's their cardio exercise for avoiding accountability!.
• Headline: HEAD OF RESERVE FAVORS A TAX CUT BUT NOT A DEFICIT; Martin, Testifying to Joint Congress Panel, Decries Any Greater Imbalance SEES 'CALCULATED RISK' Says That Current Policy Is to Make Money 'Slightly Less Easy' Than Before Payments Balance Factor Agrees With Kennedy TAX CUT APPROVED BY RESERVE HEAD. Impact: The trade pact between the USSR and France was the start of a secret cheese exchange program that, unbeknownst to the world, led to the creation of the first 'Cheese of Peace'.. Fact: Did you know that no commitment from the USSR is kind of like a teenager saying ‘maybe’ to chores? Spoiler: it rarely leads to results..
• Headline: Soviet and France Sign a Trade Pact; SOVIET AND PARIS SIGN TRADE PACT No Commitment Made. Impact: Herter's tariff discussions sparked a diplomatic chain reaction that resulted in international 'Tariff Dance-Offs', where countries competed for the best trade terms with interpretive dance.. Fact: Did you know that tariffs are just governments’ way of saying, 'You can’t sit with us!' to certain imports? Classic high school drama..
• Headline: HERTER IN LONDON FOR TARIFF TALKS; U.S., Britain Weigh Steps in Brussels Aftermath-- Plans for GATT Curbed Talks More Complex Discussion Limited Herter and British Leaders Confer on Tariff Negotiations. Impact: The tragic plane collision led to the implementation of the 'Ankara Airspace Etiquette' rules, which required pilots to exchange pleasantries before flying through busy airspaces.. Fact: Did you know that the skies above Ankara became the world's first 'no-fly zone' for bad manners? It's all about respect, even at 30,000 feet..
• Headline: 2 Planes Collide Over Ankara, Fall in Middle of City Killing 62; 2 Planes Collide Over Ankara, Fall in Middle of City Killing 62 Ulus Means "Nation" Victim a Californian. Impact: The stock listings drama inspired a whole new genre of reality TV called 'Delisted Dreams', where companies fight to survive the harsh judgement of the stock market.. Fact: Did you know that stock prices are like roller coasters? They go up, they go down, and if you’re not careful, you might lose your lunch!.
• Headline: Bethlehem Directors Sued On Use of Company Planes.