FEBRUARY 1, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Power Link Between Oregon and California. Impact: If that power line had never been built, an entire generation might have been forced to rely on candlelight and horse-drawn carriages. Imagine the hipster apocalypse in Portland—no electricity, just artisanal candles and locally sourced hay for transport.. Fact: Did you know that the average hipster consumes 3.2 artisanal candles per month? Just kidding. They probably don't track that, but I bet they wish they could..
• Headline: Navy's Controversial Shipyard Practices. Impact: The Navy's desire to keep work in their shipyards led to a ripple effect that eventually caused a shortage of private shipbuilders, prompting a nationwide shipbuilding renaissance that peaked in community college programs across the country.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'naval yard' is often confused with 'navel yard'? One is about ships, the other... well, let’s just say it’s not suitable for work..
• Headline: Franklin Roosevelt Jr. Named Under Secretary of Commerce; Post Pays $21,000 a Year --Holton, a Hodges Aide, Given Higher Post F.D. ROOSEVELT JR. IS NAMED TO POST. Impact: Franklin Roosevelt Jr.'s appointment meant that his family would continue to have a hand in government, leading to a future where political dynasties became a 'thing'. Welcome to the world of the 'Bush-Clinton dynasty'.. Fact: Did you know that being 'Under Secretary of Commerce' is the political equivalent of being the assistant to the regional manager? You get a fancy title but still have to fetch coffee..
• Headline: BETHLEHEM STEEL REPORTS NET OFF; Earnings Are $88,677,761, Equal to $1.80 a Share-- Drop From $2.54 in '6l BILLINGS INCREASED 2% 15-Year Low Laid to Labor Costs and Changes in Depreciation and Prices 40 Cents a Share. Impact: Bethlehem Steel's earnings dip triggered a catastrophic chain reaction that eventually led to the rise of IKEA—because who doesn't love assembling their furniture with a side of existential dread?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more complex than steel pricing is understanding IKEA assembly instructions. They should come with a PhD in engineering..
• Headline: Senators Ask Action On Split in Market; U.S. ACTION ASKED ON MARKET SPLIT Trade Impact Favorable Export Drive Affected De Gaulle's Stand Awaited. Impact: The Senate's call for action on the market split influenced future trade policies, leading to decades of politicians in suits arguing about the economy while the rest of us just want to buy avocados without a mortgage.. Fact: Did you know that market splits are often just like family reunions? Awkward, full of tension, and someone inevitably brings up politics..
• Headline: Small Nuclear Power Plant Is Being Planned for Hawaii. Impact: The planning of a small nuclear power plant in Hawaii inadvertently led to the rise of 'nuclear tourism', where people visit sites to take selfies with radioactive signs—because why not?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more unstable than a small nuclear power plant is your cousin's relationship status? Just a thought..
• Headline: Laroche and Heim Showings in Paris; Signal 'Curves Ahead'. Impact: The Paris fashion show inspired a global trend of impractical fashion that continues to this day, resulting in a generation of people convinced that wearing a potato sack is haute couture.. Fact: Did you know that Paris fashion week has more drama than a soap opera? Cue the music and the dramatic exits!.