JANUARY 29, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: France and Spain Strengthen Diplomatic Ties. Impact: If France and Spain hadn't formed this alliance, who knows? Maybe they would have created a rival to the U.S. and Britain that would have led to a European-themed reality show—'Keeping Up with the De Gaulles'.. Fact: This newfound friendship eventually led to a lot of baguette and paella fusion restaurants, but only in parallel universes..
• Headline: Clemson's Historic Desegregation Moment. Impact: Clemson admitting a Black student was a crucial step that started a chain reaction of desegregation across the South, potentially leading to a future where everyone just attends classes in their pajamas.. Fact: Clemson was once part of the 'Last Holdout Club'—you know, the one where they just couldn't let go of those outdated practices..
• Headline: Polaris Cost Sharing Dispute with Britain. Impact: The U.S. haggling over Polaris costs was the start of an enduring friendship that would one day lead to a shared appreciation for overpriced coffee and mutual disdain for long meetings.. Fact: The term 'misunderstanding' was later popularized in boardrooms to cover up any awkward silence during budget discussions..
• Headline: Sidelights; Toothbrushes Do Mix With Oil Air Freight Gains Devaluation Menace A Record Claimed Mutual Fund Sales Gain. Impact: This headline about toothbrushes and oil could have sparked a bizarre trend of dental hygiene products being used in oil rigs, thus creating a new sub-industry of 'toothbrush drilling'.. Fact: Air freight gains? Because who wouldn't want their toothbrush shipped faster than their dinner?.
• Headline: 1.4 BILLION PROFIT CLEARED BY G.M., A WORLD RECORD; 1962 Net Tops A.T. & T.'s Mark of 1961--Company Sold 52% of U.S. Cars SALES HIT 14.6 BILLION Earnings Estimated $5.10 a Share, Compared With $3.11 a Year Earlier Sales Pace Reflected Stock Reaches Peak G.M. SETS RECORD: 1.4 BILLION PROFIT. Impact: GM's profit record set off a chain reaction where every other company felt the need to chase after it, ultimately leading to the corporate world's obsession with quarterly earnings—because nothing says 'success' like a spreadsheet.. Fact: This profit was so big that it made other companies realize they could just keep selling cars and calling it innovation..
• Headline: Senate Coalition Moves For Anti-Filibuster Vote; Motion by Anderson Southerners' Contention FILIBUSTER FOES MOVE FOR VOTE Some Control Sought. Impact: The anti-filibuster vote could have paved the way for a new era of legislative efficiency, or at least a time when politicians realized that talking endlessly doesn't actually change anything.. Fact: Senators are still trying to figure out how to shorten their speeches without losing their audience—hint: it involves less filibustering and more memes..
• Headline: Jackson Asserts Cuba Proves Need for Reform of Security; Jackson Asserts Cuba Proves Need for Reform of Security. Impact: Jackson's assertion about Cuba potentially led to more security reforms which might have prevented some future international incidents, or at least made them less awkward.. Fact: Kennedy's 'one-man direction' was later rebranded as 'executive streaming', where every decision was just a click away—because why not?.
• Headline: Special Paper Containers Invented for Mt. Everest. Impact: The invention of special paper containers for Mt. Everest could have revolutionized mountaineering, but instead, it just led to a lot of snack enthusiasts trying to climb the mountain with their cooler.. Fact: These containers were meant to keep food fresh at extreme altitudes, but let's be real, who even cares about food when you’re at Everest?.
• Headline: G.E. Designs Refrigerator For a Minus 452 Degrees. Impact: The creation of an ultra-cold refrigerator could have led to a future where humans hibernate in their homes—imagine waking up to frozen pizza that’s literally been frozen in time.. Fact: This fridge was so cold that it was rumored to have been used by scientists trying to keep their dating lives on ice..
• Headline: FRANCE INSISTENT MARKET BLOC END TALKS ON BRITAIN; Couve de Murville Reported Ready to Bar Any Plan to Extend Negotiations WALKOUT IS POSSIBLE But de Gaulle Aide is Willing to Let Parley on London's Entry Die Peacefully Schroeder Is Delayed U.S. STANDS FIRM ON POLARIS COSTS Version from London. Impact: France's insistence on ending talks with Britain might have led to a future with less tea-drinking and more wine-sipping, which is obviously a win for humanity.. Fact: The 'peaceful' ending of negotiations was just code for 'we're done talking, let's get back to more important matters like berets and baguettes.'.