JANUARY 22, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Massive Water Project Expansion Proposed. Impact: If this $415 million project had never happened, California might have turned into a desert wasteland where people barter with cacti instead of cash. But hey, at least they’d have really well-hydrated cacti.. Fact: This was around the time people discovered you could water plants with actual water instead of just hopes and dreams..
• Headline: Editor Dies After Workout. Impact: The death of this editor sparked an underground movement of editors who vowed to live healthier lives, leading to a future where all editors are now just gym instructors with a penchant for typos.. Fact: Ironically, this incident led to a fitness craze among journalists, resulting in the first 'journalist triathlon'—writing, editing, and running to the nearest coffee shop..
• Headline: Railroads Challenge Union Rule Changes. Impact: Had the court sided with the unions, we might have seen a world where railroads were more focused on employee rights than on making trains go vroom, and who knows—maybe even a 'Train Happiness Day' would have emerged.. Fact: In an alternate timeline, this case led to the creation of the world's first unionized train whistle, which only blew on days when the unions were negotiating!.
• Headline: KOLWEZI IS TAKEN PEACEABLY BY U.N.; Entry to City Arranged at a Tea--Tshombe Tacitly Admits Secession Ends KOLWEZI IS TAKEN WITHOUT A SHOT Thant Plai Reaffirmed Kennedy's Statement. Impact: The peaceful takeover of Kolwezi by UN troops made everyone realize that taking cities over tea was much more civilized than with guns. Now, 'tea diplomacy' is a thing, and it somehow involves more scones.. Fact: This event is often cited as the reason why all future military operations were required to have a tea break scheduled—because who can fight on an empty stomach?.
• Headline: Argentina Favors Quick O.A.S. Action Directed at Castro; ARGENTINA URGES ACTION ON CASTRO. Impact: Argentina's call for action against Castro could have sparked a chain reaction, leading to a world where every country starts issuing ultimatums over dinner instead of in the United Nations.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'quick O.A.S. action' was actually a secret code for 'let's discuss this over empanadas'?.
• Headline: Wills Is Named Pro Athlete of Year; DODGER INFIELDER GETS $10,000 BELT Wills Honored at Rochester After Nationwide Poll-- Palmer Places Second 154 Cast Their Votes. Impact: Wills winning this award sparked a nationwide obsession with sports awards, leading to the creation of obscure awards like 'Best Athlete to Wear a Hat' and 'Most Likely to Trip Over Their Own Feet.'. Fact: This award was originally meant to be a trophy shaped like a baseball glove, but the designers ran out of ideas and just went with a belt. Because obviously, athletes need more accessories..
• Headline: Riot Charges Against Walker And 6 Others Dropped by U.S.; WALKER CHARGES DROPPED BY U.S. Meredith Cuts Examination. Impact: The dropping of charges against Walker was a pivotal moment that could have led to a future where all riots were resolved by simply ignoring them. 'Oh, that riot? Never happened!'. Fact: This incident marked the beginning of the 'Just Pretend It Didn't Happen' movement in legal circles, which is still going strong today..
• Headline: Russian Aid to Neutral Nations Fails to Stop Reds' Repression; Russian Aid to Neutral Nations Fails to Stop Reds' Repression. Impact: The failure of Russian aid to neutral nations might have sent shockwaves through international relations, causing future leaders to rethink their approach to aid. 'Maybe throwing money at problems isn't the best strategy?' said no politician ever.. Fact: This incident inspired the phrase 'Well, that backfired!' to become shorthand for any poorly thought-out foreign policy initiative..