JANUARY 10, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kennedy's Triumph in House Rules Committee. Impact: Kennedy's victory in this rules fight leads to a series of legislative victories, which eventually allows for the creation of programs that help the middle class. Fast forward a few decades, and those very programs lead to a massive increase in avocado toast consumption among millennials. Who knew?. Fact: Did you know that Congress was almost as exciting as watching paint dry? But hey, at least they kept their committee size consistent!.
• Headline: Leadership Changes at M.G.M.. Impact: O'Brien's ascension to M.G.M. leads to the production of some questionable movies, including a series of sequels that no one asked for. The butterfly flaps its wings, and suddenly we're stuck with remakes of remakes.. Fact: Did you know that M.G.M. stands for 'More Gimmicks, Please'? Just kidding, it actually stands for Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. But who needs accuracy when you can have sarcasm?.
• Headline: Bidwell Acquitted of Tax Evasion Charges. Impact: Bidwell's acquittal creates a ripple of confidence in tax evaders everywhere. This leads to a surge in questionable financial advice being passed around at family gatherings. Thanks, Bidwell!. Fact: Did you know that getting acquitted feels a lot like being told you can go back to eating cake after a diet? Sweet relief, but you might regret it later!.
• Headline: 4 FOOTBALL LIONS DEFENDED BY CLUB. Impact: Ford's defense of the football players leads to a culture of 'they're just kids having fun' that spirals into the modern era where athletes can literally get away with anything as long as they can throw a ball.. Fact: Did you know that defending football players is a lot like defending bad reality TV? You know it's bad, but you can't help but watch!.
• Headline: College Basketball Briber Could Get a 36-Year Term. Impact: The bribery scandal in college basketball leads to stricter regulations and a wave of scandals in sports that makes soap operas look like documentaries. Welcome to the world of college athletics.. Fact: Did you know that college sports bribery is like a bad game of Monopoly? Someone always ends up losing more than they bargained for!.
• Headline: Paul Brown Ousted as Browns' Coach; CLEVELAND GIVES HIM OTHER DUTIES Out as General Manager and Coach, Brown Keeps Stock and Vice Presidency Several Aspirants for Job. Impact: Paul Brown's ousting sets off a chain reaction in the NFL, leading to coaches being treated like disposable napkins. The league becomes a revolving door of mediocrity, proving that sometimes, change isn't for the better.. Fact: Did you know that being a coach in the NFL is a lot like being a contestant on a reality show? One minute you're on top, the next you're out the door!.
• Headline: UTILITIES URGE U.S. POWER TAX; Disparity Between Private, Federal Levies Noted. Impact: The push for equal power taxes leads to a bureaucratic mess that creates more paperwork than actual power. A few decades later, we have entire departments dedicated to figuring out who owes what—because that’s what we really needed.. Fact: Did you know that tax debates are like family dinners? Everyone has an opinion, but no one really wants to discuss it..
• Headline: CUBAN CRISIS MET BY U.S. TRANSPORT; But Adequacy of the System in a Greater Emergency Is Still a Question SIZE OF EXERCISE CITED Chief Problem Appears to Be Speed in Obtaining Sufficient Flatcars The Movement of Vehicles. Impact: The U.S. transport system's success in the Cuban Crisis leads to overconfidence in logistics, which then results in the infamous 'Great Flatcar Shortage of 1972.' Because clearly, we had too much faith in our trains.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than a U.S. transport exercise is trying to get a group of friends to agree on where to eat?.
• Headline: Article 3 -- No Title. Impact: The reactor core elements being lowered into the Elk River leads to a newfound interest in nuclear energy, which eventually results in more debates about energy sources than you can shake a stick at. Spoiler alert: it's still a hot topic.. Fact: Did you know that nuclear energy is like that one friend who always brings up politics at dinner? You can't avoid it, no matter how hard you try!.