DECEMBER 30, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: R J Farrell Elected General Counsel. Impact: R J Farrell's ascension to general counsel led to a series of legal maneuvers that created a precedent for future corporate lawyers. Somewhere down the line, a lawyer gets inspired to argue that their pet goldfish deserves representation in court. The first-ever Fish Rights Act is born. Thanks, R J!. Fact: Fun fact: R J Farrell later became the unofficial mascot for all lawyers who can’t afford to leave their offices for lunch.
• Headline: Cement Prices and Market Trends of 1962. Impact: The fluctuation of cement prices led to a bizarre butterfly effect where a long-forgotten town in Indiana becomes a tourist hotspot for cement enthusiasts. Cement-based attractions? You bet! Welcome to 'Cementopia'!. Fact: Believe it or not, the only thing more concrete than cement prices is the fact that the Papercraft industry is still waiting for its moment in the sun.
• Headline: TORIES' CRITICISM OF POLARIS DEAL CONTINUES TO RISE; Party Leaders Are Worried by Charge Nassau Accord Curbs Nuclear Freedom Leaders Are Worried TORIES CRITICISM ON POLARIS RISES Kennedy Visit Rumored. Impact: The Tories' criticism of the Polaris deal triggers a chain of events that results in Britain inventing a new form of nuclear-powered tea kettles. A true 'hot' innovation in defense technology!. Fact: Rumor has it, the British nuclear tea kettles can boil water faster than you can say 'we need to talk about our foreign policy'.
• Headline: CASTRO REPORTED HALTING EMIGRES; Said to Hold 1,000 Relatives as Many More Ask Egress --Captives' Talks Go On Castro Is Said to Halt Emigres As Many More Try to Quit Cuba Kennedys to Honor Survivors. Impact: Castro's decision to halt emigres leads to a series of underground escape plans that ultimately inspire the next generation of escape artists. The world sees the rise of 'Cuban Houdinis' who make a mockery of border control. Fact: Fun fact: Many of those escape plans were drawn on napkins during dinner parties. Napkin art is a whole genre now!.
• Headline: PRESIDENT PLANS NO BASIC CHANGES IN WELFARE BILLS; Aged Care and School Aid Measures Will Be Shaped Along Lines of 1962 CELEBREZZE OPTIMISTIC Secretary Asserts, 'I Think We Have Gained a Little With the New Congress' Features of Bill The Javits Amendment KENNEDY CONFERS ON WELFARE BILLS. Impact: President Kennedy's welfare bills become a template for future social programs, leading to an era where politicians use billboards for social welfare campaigns. Because if you’re not on a billboard, do you even exist?. Fact: Celebrezze allegedly said the new welfare measures would be 'just like a warm blanket'—too bad they forgot to include the actual blankets.
• Headline: Advertising: A Business 'Goes Public'; Agencies Debating Trend Toward Selling Stock Gilbert Marketing Cites Advantages in Policy. Reply to Argument. Impact: The debate over agencies selling stock leads to a corporate movement where marketing firms start giving out shares as rewards for customer loyalty. 'Buy our products, get a piece of our soul!' becomes the new motto. Fact: Gilbert Marketing’s policy on stock sales was later translated into a board game called 'Monopoly: Marketing Edition.' Spoiler alert: Everyone loses.
• Headline: Stone & Webster Elects 2 Leaders. Impact: The election of new leaders at Stone & Webster results in a corporate restructuring that eventually inspires a reality TV show called 'Survivor: Corporate Edition'. Who knew boardrooms could be that dramatic?. Fact: E K Van Horne later found fame as a motivational speaker, specializing in 'How to Elect Yourself as the Leader'—a bestseller in corporate self-help.
• Headline: U. N. FORCES SEIZE KEY KATANGA POST IN HEAVY FIGHTING; Gendarmerie Headquarters Captured as Tshombe's Troops Defy His Order REFUSE TO CEASE FIRE But Their Roadblocks Near Elisabethville Fall in New Drive to Quell Them Told to Remove Barriers Silent on U.N. Plans U.N. FORCES SEIZE KEY KATANGA POST. Impact: U.N. forces capturing a key Katanga post sparks a chain reaction of international coffee debates, as everyone suddenly believes they have a right to weigh in on military strategy over lattes. Fact: The heavy fighting led to a coffee shortage in cafes across the U.S., as baristas were too busy discussing geopolitical strategies instead of brewing.
• Headline: Aussies in Sweep of Davis Cup Tennis Over Mexico. Impact: Australia's Davis Cup victory over Mexico creates an international tennis diplomacy initiative where tennis matches are used to settle trade disputes. 'Game, Set, Match!' becomes the new slogan for international relations. Fact: The last match ended in a tie, leading to an awkward dinner where both teams had to agree to disagree about who really won. Spoiler: They mostly just shared nachos.