DECEMBER 29, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: R J Farrell Elected General Counsel. Impact: R.J. Farrell's appointment as General Counsel was the first step in a long line of legal acrobatics that eventually led to the creation of a secret society of lawyers determined to take over the world, one contract at a time. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing lawyers love more than a good contract is a good pun—'You can’t handle the truth!' is considered a classic at bar meetings.
• Headline: 1962 Market Trends Overview. Impact: The fluctuations in the cement and electric product markets triggered a bizarre underground movement of hipsters who began creating cement art, leading to the world's first concrete poetry slam in 1975. Fact: Turns out, in the world of papercrafts, the more you cut, the more you create—just like in life, right?.
• Headline: TORIES' CRITICISM OF POLARIS DEAL CONTINUES TO RISE; Party Leaders Are Worried by Charge Nassau Accord Curbs Nuclear Freedom Leaders Are Worried TORIES CRITICISM ON POLARIS RISES Kennedy Visit Rumored. Impact: The Tories' criticism of the Polaris deal led to a series of increasingly ridiculous political cartoons that eventually inspired a new genre of British art: 'Nuclear Satire,' which still confuses art critics today. Fact: The phrase 'subordinate Brit nuclear power' is often used as a euphemism for 'please stop calling me during dinner.'.
• Headline: CASTRO REPORTED HALTING EMIGRES; Said to Hold 1,000 Relatives as Many More Ask Egress --Captives' Talks Go On Castro Is Said to Halt Emigres As Many More Try to Quit Cuba Kennedys to Honor Survivors. Impact: Castro's decision to halt emigration created a time loop where every Cuban who left would inevitably return, leading to a bizarre phenomenon where Cubans began leaving only to rejoin the salsa dance scene. Fact: Did you know that Castro had a secret stash of maracas that he claimed had mystical properties? They were just maracas, but who’s judging?.
• Headline: PRESIDENT PLANS NO BASIC CHANGES IN WELFARE BILLS; Aged Care and School Aid Measures Will Be Shaped Along Lines of 1962 CELEBREZZE OPTIMISTIC Secretary Asserts, 'I Think We Have Gained a Little With the New Congress' Features of Bill The Javits Amendment KENNEDY CONFERS ON WELFARE BILLS. Impact: The lack of basic changes in welfare bills set off a chain reaction of bureaucratic inertia that would eventually lead to the invention of a new sport: competitive paperwork filing. Fact: Celebrezze’s optimism about welfare bills is a reminder that in politics, optimism is just a fancy word for 'I have no idea what I'm doing.'.
• Headline: Advertising: A Business 'Goes Public'; Agencies Debating Trend Toward Selling Stock Gilbert Marketing Cites Advantages in Policy. Reply to Argument. Impact: The debate over advertising agencies going public resulted in a secret pact between marketers and squirrels, leading to the first-ever 'Squirrel Marketing Summit' that changed the face of advertising forever. Fact: So, when agencies start selling stock, it's technically a 'public relations stunt'—literally!.
• Headline: Stone & Webster Elects 2 Leaders. Impact: The leadership change at Stone & Webster led to an unexpected chain of events that resulted in the founding of the world's first engineering-themed escape room franchise, cleverly named 'Escape the Blueprint.'. Fact: The only thing more thrilling than electing new leaders is realizing that your office supplies have mysteriously disappeared during the transition.
• Headline: U. N. FORCES SEIZE KEY KATANGA POST IN HEAVY FIGHTING; Gendarmerie Headquarters Captured as Tshombe's Troops Defy His Order REFUSE TO CEASE FIRE But Their Roadblocks Near Elisabethville Fall in New Drive to Quell Them Told to Remove Barriers Silent on U.N. Plans U.N. FORCES SEIZE KEY KATANGA POST. Impact: The UN forces capturing the Katanga post triggered a global fascination with UN peacekeeping that ultimately inspired a hit television show, 'UN Peacekeepers: Real Action, No Drama.'. Fact: The phrase 'heavy fighting' is often used in UN reports, but what they really mean is an intense game of rock-paper-scissors.
• Headline: Aussies in Sweep of Davis Cup Tennis Over Mexico. Impact: Australia's sweep of the Davis Cup led to an unexpected surge in tennis-inspired fashion, where everyone suddenly thought they could pull off headbands and wristbands while sipping lattes. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more intense than a Davis Cup match is the debate over who has the best Australian accent?.