DECEMBER 16, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Macmillan Meets de Gaulle in Paris. Impact: Macmillan's talks with de Gaulle lead to the formation of the EU, which eventually results in a very complicated relationship with Brexit. If only they had just decided to form a book club instead. Fact: Fun fact: the Common Market was originally just a place for European countries to exchange really good bread recipes.
• Headline: Gen. Alfredo Kindelan Passes Away. Impact: General Kindelan's death sets off a series of political reshuffles in Spain that eventually leads to a decades-long obsession with paella. History is weird. Fact: Alfredo Kindelan was so influential that his death was like a tragic plot twist in a soap opera. One minute he's there, the next? Boom! A political vacuum.
• Headline: CHINESE DEMAND A PARLEY OF REDS TO STUDY SCHISM; Moscow Thought to Resist Proposal by Peking That World Parties Convene 'Serious Consequences' Seen CHINESE DEMAND A PARLEY OF REDS. Impact: The Chinese demand for a parley among Reds inadvertently leads to endless debates, which is why we now have countless historians arguing over who actually said what at the last Communist Party meeting. Fact: Did you know that 'serious consequences' is Communist for 'we're going to have a really awkward dinner party'?.
• Headline: NATO COOL TO IDEA OF U.S. TO STEP UP NON-ATOM FORCE; Allies' Meeting Gets Data From McNamara on the West's Nuclear Margin COST FACTOR STRESSED But Washington Holds Open Possibility of European Atomic Weaponry Security Gain Cited NATO ALLIES COOL TO U.S. PROPOSAL. Impact: NATO's coolness to U.S. proposals leads to a decade-long existential crisis about whether they should just stick to their knitting or actually build something new. Spoiler: they mostly knitted. Fact: The U.S. was so obsessed with nuclear weapons that they thought about giving them to Europe as party favors. Because nothing says friendship like a nuclear warhead!.
• Headline: DOUGLAS ASSAILS PENTAGON POWER; Military and C.I.A. Intrigue Called Threat to Freedom Power of Pentagon Assailed by Douglas As Threat to Liberty Effects of Technology. Impact: Douglas's critique of Pentagon power leads to a massive increase in conspiracy theories about the military, including the one about them secretly controlling the weather. Spoiler: they weren't. Fact: Justice Douglas was so passionate about freedom that some say he could write a legal brief in his sleep. Ironically, it was in his sleep that he wrote his best work!.
• Headline: Dr. William B. Kountz Dies. Impact: Dr. Kountz's passing leads to a surge in medical students who think they can fill the void, only to realize that being a doctor is harder than just wearing a lab coat. Fact: Dr. Kountz was known for his groundbreaking work, which might be why he was always running late. You know what they say: 'Great minds think late!'.
• Headline: Bankers Unit Adds Member. Impact: The addition of a new member to the bankers' unit sets off a chain reaction of appointments that eventually leads to the 'Great Coffee Break' of 1975, where productivity mysteriously plummets. Fact: It's said that G.R. Clark was added to the committee solely to make sure there was someone around who knew how to make a decent cup of coffee.
• Headline: Jane Abbott Dead. Impact: Jane Abbott's death creates a ripple effect in the literary world, leading to a surprising resurgence in interest for her works, which are now considered rare gems instead of dusty old books. Fact: Jane Abbott was so beloved that her books were literally passed down as family heirlooms, right next to grandma's secret cookie recipe.
• Headline: Harry Barris Dies. Impact: Harry Barris's demise is mourned by the music industry, leading to a brief but intense revival of the kazoo. Yes, you heard that right. Fact: Harry Barris was known for his jazz skills, but rumor has it he could really belt out a tune on the kazoo too. Quite the versatile artist!.