DECEMBER 8, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Youth Unemployment Crisis in NYC Highlighted. Impact: The plight of city youth led to the creation of countless non-profit organizations. Ironically, these organizations often employed the very same youths they aimed to help, thus creating a self-sustaining cycle of joblessness and part-time employment that would eventually inspire a popular meme about 'working hard' at not working.. Fact: Did you know that in NYC, it’s easier to find a unicorn than a full-time job for a teenager? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: President's Tour of Strategic Defense Facilities. Impact: The President's tour of defense facilities undoubtedly boosted the military-industrial complex, resulting in a surge of contractors who now believe their sole purpose is to make sure the world stays on the brink of catastrophe. Thanks, guys!. Fact: Did you know that Los Alamos is just as famous for its secretive nuclear research as it is for being one of the best places to avoid any actual tourists?.
• Headline: Music: Five Iconoclasts; 20th-Century Works Led by Schuller. Impact: The premiere of Schuller's work marked the beginning of a long-standing debate about what 'music' really is. Spoiler alert: it's still ongoing, and you can find it on every social media platform under the tag #IsThisMusic.. Fact: Did you know that avant-garde music is just a fancy way of saying 'I can make sounds that annoy your neighbors'?.
• Headline: France's Loewenguth Quartet Play as One Man at Town Hall. Impact: The Loewenguth Quartet's performance taught us that a group of people can indeed make harmonious music together, unlike family road trips where everyone argues over the radio station.. Fact: Did you know that if you listen to classical music while doing your taxes, it magically makes the experience slightly less painful? Or at least that's what they say..
• Headline: Two Girls Missing in Fire At South Carolina College. Impact: The tragic fire at the college dormitory sparked a nationwide fire safety campaign, which, ironically, has since resulted in more fire drills than actual fires. Because nothing says 'safety' like practicing for an event that might never happen.. Fact: Did you know that fire drills are like the adult version of 'the teacher is out of the room'? Everyone just runs around and tries to look busy..
• Headline: Middle South Makes Unit Head a Director. Impact: C.L. Nairne's election as director led to a series of promotions that eventually resulted in the proliferation of 'Directors of Fun' in every workplace, ensuring that no office ever runs out of awkward team-building exercises.. Fact: Did you know that being a director is just like being a manager but with more meetings and less actual work?.
• Headline: Records by Military Bands Will Help Cultural Center. Impact: The authorization for military bands to make commercial recordings changed the landscape of patriotic music forever. Now, instead of just parades, we have entire playlists dedicated to marching tunes that make you feel like you’re training for a battle... in your living room.. Fact: Did you know that military band music is the only genre that can make you feel both heroic and sleepy at the same time? It’s a real talent!.
• Headline: POPE SURPRISES COUNCIL BY VISIT; Lauds Prelates at Session's Last Business Meeting. Impact: The Pope's surprise visit to the council resulted in a spike in papal visits to various councils worldwide, turning it into a competition of who can get the Pope’s attention first. Spoiler: it usually involves donuts.. Fact: Did you know that the Pope has a better travel schedule than most rock stars? Who knew holiness could be so hip?.
• Headline: Bidwell No Tax Cheat, Jury Told in Second Trial. Impact: The jury's assertion that Bidwell is no tax cheat ignited a national conversation about tax evasion that somehow led to more people trying to evade taxes through increasingly ridiculous loopholes. Thanks, Bidwell, for the inspiration.. Fact: Did you know that tax codes are the only thing more complicated than trying to explain why your cat hates your new boyfriend?.