NOVEMBER 19, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Law Dean Takes Tri-State Bar Leadership. Impact: When a law dean heads a tri-state bar, you can bet your bottom dollar that lawyers across all three states suddenly feel a surge of confidence, leading them to start charging even more for their 'expertise.' The legal fees in the tri-state area skyrocketed, and so did the number of people desperately trying to represent themselves in court.. Fact: Did you know that law deans often secretly dream of being Supreme Court justices? Too bad most of them are just really good at giving lectures on why they aren't!.
• Headline: New Study on Corporate Diversification Trends. Impact: This study on diversifying concerns sparked a chain reaction where companies began to hire consultants to consult on how to hire consultants to diversify their approaches. In the end, everyone got hired, and nobody really changed anything. It's the corporate equivalent of rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more diversified than company portfolios is the range of excuses they give for not actually diversifying..
• Headline: Peace Corps Leadership Changes: A 1960s Overview. Impact: With the possibility of the Peace Corps losing its chief, a panic ensued that led to a spontaneous increase in applications from college students convinced they could save the world in flip-flops and cargo shorts. As a result, a new wave of environmentalism was born, albeit one that mostly involved Instagram selfies.. Fact: Did you know that the Peace Corps was initially founded to help countries, but it quickly became more about helping Americans find themselves? #SelfDiscovery.
• Headline: Pope Invited To visit U.S.. Impact: Cardinal Spellman's invitation to the Pope set off a series of events leading to a dramatic increase in Catholic tourism to the U.S. Not to mention, it also prompted a nationwide debate on whether or not pizza counts as a holy sacrament.. Fact: Did you know that the last Pope who visited the U.S. made a memorable trip to a pizza parlor? It was probably the most divine slice of pepperoni ever served..
• Headline: BONN CLEARS WAY TO DROP STRAUSS; Statements by 2 Adenauer Aides Seen as Leading to Cabinet Reshuffle BONN CLEARS WAY TO DROP STRAUSS. Impact: The cabinet reshuffle in Bonn led to a game of political musical chairs, where one wrong move could send a politician from the cabinet to obscurity faster than you can say 'election season.' Surprisingly, no one learned how to play nice, and the drama only intensified.. Fact: Did you know that political reshuffles are just like reality TV? Everyone pretends to be shocked, but deep down, they all know it's just a ratings stunt!.
• Headline: Mrs. J. Edgar Park, Mother And Widow of Educators. Impact: The passing of Mrs. J. Edgar Park, who was presumably a beacon of wisdom and kindness, sparked a nationwide appreciation for educators. It reminded everyone that behind every great educator is a family member who probably just wanted them to have a normal job instead.. Fact: Did you know that educators are statistically more likely to be underappreciated than anyone in the public eye? Go ahead, give a teacher a hug—it's probably overdue!.
• Headline: Senator Chavez, 74, Is Dead in Capital; SENATOR CHAVEZ OF NEW MEXICO, 74. Impact: Senator Chavez’s death sent ripples through the political landscape, prompting a sudden surge of politicians claiming to be 'the voice of the people'—despite their bank accounts suggesting otherwise. It also led to an unexpected increase in political memes featuring his face.. Fact: Did you know that the average senator's lifespan is actually just as long as their last campaign promise? Coincidence? I think not..
• Headline: EDWARD T. TRUSLOWE. Impact: Edward T. Truslowe's mention in the headlines resulted in a dramatic increase in people Googling his name, only to find out that he was an everyday Joe who probably just wanted to live a quiet life. Instead, he became a footnote in history, forever tied to a headline with no context.. Fact: Did you know that most people who become famous for no reason are usually just trying to avoid the spotlight? Edward T. Truslowe was probably just trying to get a cup of coffee when the world decided he was headline material!.