NOVEMBER 5, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Predicted Victory for Javits and G.O.P.. Impact: Had Javits lost, the G.O.P. might have introduced a time-traveling amendment to the Constitution to ensure never losing again. Imagine a world where elections are decided by rock-paper-scissors.. Fact: New York politics: where the only thing more predictable than the weather is the outcome of a G.O.P. primary..
• Headline: Wirtz Presses for Newspaper Strike Resolution. Impact: If Wirtz had just brought donuts to the talks, the newspaper strike could have been resolved peacefully, leading to a happier populace and a nationwide donut appreciation day.. Fact: Negotiations are much like a game of charades, except nobody wants to play and everyone’s just staring at their phones..
• Headline: U-2 Pilot's Body Repatriated from Cuba. Impact: The return of the U-2 pilot's body set off a series of events that led to future pilots being told, 'Hey, just don’t get shot down in Cuba, okay?'. Fact: The U-2 incident not only strained US-Cuba relations but also made a compelling case for the need for better vacation spots..
• Headline: Castro Regime Still Holds Six Newsmen in Havana. Impact: The continued captivity of the newsmen added fuel to the fire for future reporters, who now carry a secret weapon: a 'Cuba Travel Advisory' sticker on their passports.. Fact: In the world of journalism, being held hostage is often considered a rite of passage. Welcome to the club, guys!.
• Headline: Royalists in Yemen Report Town Taken; Royalists Claim Town in Yemen; Say Second Area Is Surrounded Yemen Warns Saudi Arabia. Impact: The royalists taking a town in Yemen led to a chain reaction of royalist confidence, inspiring future monarchs to pick up hobbies like paintball and urban warfare.. Fact: Yemen's royal family could have really used a good PR consultant. 'Town taken' isn't exactly a headline that screams 'stability.'.
• Headline: STATE CALLED LAX ON 'GAS' CHEATING; Screvane Says 'Regular' Is Sold as Premium. Impact: Screvane's complaints about gasoline cheating could have led to a world where gas stations were required to wear name tags, 'Hi, I’m Regular, and I’m Premium. Let’s get this sorted!'. Fact: In New York, the only thing more inflated than gas prices is the egos of the politicians discussing them..
• Headline: Report on Mariner 2. Impact: The report on Mariner 2 could have sparked a space race that involved sending pizza to Venus. Just imagine the interplanetary delivery services.. Fact: NASA's distance measurements are impressive, but they still can’t figure out how far away your last text message is..
• Headline: Soviet Bloc Journal Assails Opponents Of East-West Talks; Confrontation Possible SOVIET JOURNAL ASSAILS FACTION Recent Editorial Mentioned No Direct Support Dogmatists Criticized Vioations Charged First News to Russians. Impact: The Soviet Bloc journal's criticism of dogmatists foreshadowed future discussions on how to effectively disagree without starting a nuclear war. Spoiler alert: they never figured it out.. Fact: In Soviet Russia, the only thing more dogmatic than the politics was the bread line—good luck with your nationalistic adventuristic opportunism!.
• Headline: Gubernatorial Rivals Cite Statistics in TV Debate. Impact: The TV debate between gubernatorial rivals could have ushered in an era where all political discussions were held in front of a live studio audience, complete with laughter tracks.. Fact: Nothing screams 'serious politics' like debating statistics on live television while trying not to sweat through your suit..