AUGUST 4, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Griffith Theatre Opens for Specialized Films. Impact: The Griffith Theatre became a mecca for avant-garde films, leading to an explosion of obscure cinema. This indirectly caused hipsters in coffee shops to obsess over black-and-white French films, ultimately resulting in the creation of the ironic mustache trend of the 2000s.. Fact: D.W. Griffith was a pioneer in film, but also directed a little movie called 'The Birth of a Nation,' which contributed to the glorification of the KKK. So, naming a theater after him is... interesting..
• Headline: Voting Records Opened by Court Order. Impact: The Justice Department's push for transparency in voting records inadvertently led to a dramatic increase in conspiracy theories about election fraud, which continue to be hot topics on social media to this very day.. Fact: Ah, the beauty of bureaucracy. Nothing like a court order to remind registrars that they can't just hide voter data like it's a secret family recipe..
• Headline: MARKET WIDENS BRITISH ACCORDS; Exports of Ceylon, Pakistan and India to Get Favored Treatment on Duties MARKET WIDENS BRITISH ACCORDS. Impact: The expansion of trade accords allowed countries like Ceylon to flourish, which somehow led to the global obsession with chai lattes and a multi-billion dollar tea industry. Thanks, British accords!. Fact: Because nothing says 'we're friends' like negotiating trade deals over tea, right? Maybe next time they should throw in some biscuits for good measure..
• Headline: Gen. Ralph B. Gibson Dead; Ex-Canadian Prisons Chief. Impact: General Ralph B. Gibson's passing marked the end of an era, leading to the quiet disappearance of the Canadian prison reform movement, which meant that Canada's prisons remained pretty much the same, just with better hockey teams.. Fact: Gibson's legacy? You could say he was the 'warden' of change... but let's leave the puns to the comedians..
• Headline: DEAN CROMWELL, TRACK COACH, DIES; Led Southern California to 12 U.S. Championships. Impact: Dean Cromwell's death was a blow to collegiate sports, leading to a temporary dip in USC's track performance. This resulted in the rise of less athletic pursuits like competitive eating. Thanks, Dean!. Fact: Cromwell led USC to 12 championships, proving that running in circles could actually lead to glory. Who knew?.
• Headline: GEORGE SCHWARZ. Impact: George Schwarz's life and contributions are now forgotten, but in a parallel universe, he became a famous motivational speaker, inspiring millions with his catchphrase, 'Just Schwarz It!'. Fact: You know you're important when you just get your name listed without any context. It’s like being the 'other guy' in a buddy comedy..
• Headline: Marjorie Van de Water Dead; Science News Winter Was 61. Impact: Marjorie Van de Water's passing left a hole in the scientific community, which inspired a generation of scientists to pursue careers in the arts instead. Thus, we have 'art science'—a field that’s mostly just people painting while discussing quantum physics.. Fact: Van de Water was known for her work in science news, but let’s be honest, the real tragedy is that she never got to see how many cat videos would dominate the internet..
• Headline: STATUE OF LIBERTY DRAWS A RECORD; Ascent to Liberty's Crown: Many Try, Some Succeed 172,052 Vistors in July Set Single Month's Mark. Impact: The record-setting ascent to the Statue of Liberty's crown inspired a surge in tourism, which strangely led to the increased sale of 'I climbed the Statue of Liberty' t-shirts, boosting the economy of overpriced souvenirs.. Fact: 172,052 visitors in a single month? That's a lot of people thinking they can conquer a statue. Honestly, who needs mountains when you have Lady Liberty?.
• Headline: PAPERHANGERS END PROTEST STOPPAGE. Impact: The end of the paperhangers' strike led to an explosion in the home renovation industry, causing an overabundance of floral wallpaper choices that still haunt homeowners to this day.. Fact: Nothing screams 'I'm an adult' like spending hours choosing wallpaper, only to realize you hate it two weeks later. Thanks, paperhangers!.