JULY 19, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Economic Pressure in Congo Conflict. Impact: The economic pressure escalates into a series of international debates so intense that they inspire the creation of a new Olympic sport: Competitive Diplomacy. The first champions? A bunch of tired diplomats sipping coffee.. Fact: Economic pressure is like peer pressure, only instead of skipping class, countries skip straight to conflict..
• Headline: Military Coup in Peru: A Turning Point. Impact: The coup creates a power vacuum that leads to a llama uprising. Yes, llamas. They become the ruling class and start a new era of peace, leading to the first-ever llama-based economy.. Fact: In Peru, tanks are not just for military; they double as really expensive lawn ornaments..
• Headline: PRESIDENT NAMES CONSUMER PANEL; Dean at Cornell Is Chairman of Advisory Council. Impact: This panel becomes the most influential group in the country, sparking nationwide debates over avocado toast prices, eventually causing millennials to start a movement that changes the face of brunch forever.. Fact: Consumer panels are like book clubs but with way less wine and a lot more complaints about prices..
• Headline: GOODMAN RETURNS AFTER SOVIET TOUR. Impact: Goodman's insights from the Soviet tour lead to the creation of an underground comedy circuit, where jokes about five-year plans become a hit, ultimately resulting in the first-ever stand-up comedy festival in Moscow.. Fact: Goodman probably returned with more stories than a library, but no one wanted to read them, so he had to make them funny..
• Headline: Kansan Heads Lutheran Unit. Impact: This appointment coincides with a sudden spike in the popularity of plaid shirts and casserole recipes, leading to an unexpected rise in Lutheran-themed cookbooks that dominate the market for years.. Fact: Being a leader in a religious unit is just like being a regular leader, but with more potlucks and fewer press conferences..
• Headline: Nicaragua Cabinet Changed. Impact: The cabinet shuffle starts a trend of governments changing officials like people change socks, leading to a new political sport: 'Musical Chairs,' where the last person standing gets to be president... until the next round.. Fact: In politics, changing cabinets is less about efficiency and more about making sure everyone gets a turn to be confused..
• Headline: Freeman Charges G.O.P. With Farm 'Politics'; Says Administration Inherited 'a First-Class Mess' 'Nonsense and Contradiction' Alleged by Secretary. Impact: This statement causes a domino effect where politicians start taking farm advice from chickens, leading to the first-ever Chicken Congressional Committee that governs with clucks and pecks.. Fact: Politics and farming are like oil and water; one is dirty, and the other is usually just a mess..
• Headline: Judith A. Frich Bride Of Richard C. Marcus. Impact: Their wedding sparks a nationwide trend of elaborate wedding ceremonies that eventually turn into competitive events, with couples trying to outdo each other in ridiculousness.. Fact: Marriage is like a game show; everyone pretends to be happy until the cameras stop rolling..
• Headline: HELLER SAYS TAX CUT IS STILL CONSIDERED. Impact: This statement leads to a series of endless debates in Congress where tax cuts become the mythical unicorn that everyone talks about but no one ever finds. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t exist.. Fact: Considering a tax cut is like considering a diet; it sounds great until you realize you have to actually do something about it..