MAY 31, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Canham Wins Prestigious Journalism Award. Impact: Canham’s award led to a surge in journalism awards that eventually bloated into an annual event where every journalist receives a trophy just for showing up, leaving real accomplishments in the dust. Fact: Did you know that the Columbia Journalism Award is often referred to as the 'Participation Trophy' of the journalism world? Because, apparently, just trying is good enough!.
• Headline: 100 VIETNAM REDS KILLED IN ATTACK; Priest's Army Said to Lose 26 in Raid by Vietcong. Impact: The attack on the Vietcong led to an unexpected rise in guerrilla fashion trends, as combatants began to prioritize style over substance, ultimately influencing modern military camo designs. Fact: In tragic irony, more guerrillas died in that raid than in subsequent raids where they were actually equipped with rifles. Maybe they should have invested in better tactics instead of just bigger raids.
• Headline: British Levels Cited. Impact: The revelation of radioactivity levels in milk led to the rise of the organic farming movement, where people flocked to buy overpriced milk just to avoid a hint of radioactive danger, all while ignoring the three-day-old sushi in their fridge. Fact: Fun fact: if you drank enough of that radioactive milk, you might have developed superpowers. But that’s just a rumor… or is it?.
• Headline: Methodist Missions Name Official. Impact: Lormer’s appointment led to a sudden influx of missionaries trying to ‘modernize’ the East, which inadvertently created a demand for niche products like ‘Bibles in 15 languages’ that nobody asked for. Fact: The Methodist Missions Board has historically been known for its impeccable timing—always arriving at the party just as the cake is being cut. Because who doesn't love a late arrival?.
• Headline: South African Leader Vows Whites Will Continue Rule. Impact: Verwoerd's vow to maintain white rule inspired a series of awkward family dinners where everyone pretended to agree with him, leading to the eventual invention of passive-aggressive table manners. Fact: Verwoerd's speeches were so riveting that people often fell asleep in the middle of his addresses—maybe he should have considered stand-up comedy instead.
• Headline: Special Libraries Group Installs Woman President. Impact: The installation of a woman president in the Special Libraries Group led to a string of radical reforms, including mandatory ‘quiet zones’ that accidentally turned into nap zones for overworked librarians. Fact: In a shocking twist, Mrs. Klahre’s first act as president was to ban all books with the word 'quiet' in the title, proving that irony is alive and well in library politics.
• Headline: Canada Lists 9,640,000 Voters. Impact: The announcement of 9,640,000 voters sparked a huge trend in voter registration drives, leading to a bizarre reality show where contestants compete to see who can register the most voters without breaking a sweat. Fact: Canada’s voter count is so precise that they can tell you how many people were registered at 4:03 PM on a Tuesday in 1987. Now that’s what I call unnecessary detail!.
• Headline: FEATHER HOARD REDUCED BY U.S.; Joint Committee Reports on Condition of Stockpiles. Impact: The reduction of the feather hoard led to the rise of alternative materials, creating a cottage industry where people began to craft pillows from everything but actual feathers, including recycled bottle caps. Fact: That feather hoard reduction was just the government's way of saying, 'We have too many pillows, and you can’t sit on them all!'.