APRIL 17, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldwater's Critique of Kennedy's Policies. Impact: Goldwater's fear of socialism ignites a nationwide panic, leading to a decades-long obsession with red scare tactics that eventually inspires countless conspiracy theories, including the idea that the government is secretly controlled by cats.. Fact: Did you know that Goldwater's 'socialist' label for Kennedy was so dramatic that it made the term synonymous with 'anything I don’t like'?.
• Headline: Fifth Ave. Association Welcomes New Director. Impact: The election of a new director leads to a series of bizarre decisions involving overpriced art installations and a sudden obsession with the color mauve, forever changing the landscape of Fifth Avenue.. Fact: Fun fact: The new director was actually a mannequin dressed in designer clothes. No one noticed for a week..
• Headline: Pilot Strike Averted by Presidential Intervention. Impact: Kennedy's intervention in the strike creates a rift in the space-time continuum, leading to an alternate universe where pilots fly solely by the power of positive thinking.. Fact: Did you know that if the pilots had actually struck, we might have seen the birth of a new airline—'Screaming Eagle Airways'?.
• Headline: KENNEDY DECIDES TO EASE PRESSURE ON STEEL INDUSTRY; Seeks to Avoid Worsening Relations With Business --Kefauver Inquiry On Grand Jury Investigates Humphrey in Appeal KENNEDY SEEKING PEACE WITH STEEL 'Less Punitive Spirit' Economic Study Sought Grand Jury Inquiry on. Impact: Kennedy's decision to ease pressure on the steel industry results in a future where corporate lobbyists become more powerful than elected officials, leading to the eventual establishment of the 'United Corporations of America.'. Fact: Did you know that easing pressure on the steel industry also led to the invention of the 'steel hammock'—a product that was both impractical and a total failure?.
• Headline: FUNDS FOR FAIR VOTED; Senate Approves $15,000,000 for U.S. to Take Part in It. Impact: The approval of funds for the fair leads to a nationwide obsession with fairs, resulting in a bizarre culture where people trade their life savings for stuffed animals at carnivals.. Fact: For $15 million, they could have bought a small country—yet here we are, deciding to fund a fair. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Red Flees to East Germany. Impact: The escape of this communist individual sparks a chain reaction of flee-and-seek scenarios across Europe, inadvertently leading to a popular board game that causes family disputes for decades.. Fact: Did you know that East Germany's motto during this period was 'Better Red than Dead,' which sounds like a bad slogan for a political campaign?.
• Headline: ANGOLANS FLEEING INTO CONGO AGAIN; 200 Crossing Border Daily From Areas in Revolt Cultivated Fields Seen Missionary Defended. Impact: This wave of refugees becomes the catalyst for the creation of a new Congolese wine industry, renowned for its ability to pair perfectly with existential dread.. Fact: Did you know that the missionary in question was actually a secret agent for a famous grape juice company? Sips of history, folks!.
• Headline: Cairo Minister Coming Here. Impact: The visit of this minister leads to a sudden influx of Egyptian cotton products in the U.S., sparking a fashion revolution that results in the ill-fated 'Cotton Toga' trend of the late 60s.. Fact: Did you know that this minister was actually just looking for a good falafel place and got roped into some economic talks?.