APRIL 4, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Revolutionizing Oil Production Techniques. Impact: The introduction of the New Universal Oil Process ultimately led to the creation of a secret society of oil barons who communicate through interpretive dance. In 2025, they will host the first global dance-off to determine the price of crude oil.. Fact: In an alternate universe, this process resulted in oil being replaced by chocolate as the primary energy source. Chocolate-powered cars are surprisingly efficient!.
• Headline: Ghana Aide's Wife Losing Gold Bed. Impact: The uproar over the gold-plated bed was the catalyst for the rise of the 'Gold Bed Movement,' which advocated for luxury bedding equality. By 1980, all political leaders were forced to sleep on gold beds to avoid protests.. Fact: In Ghana, the phrase 'sleeping on a golden bed' is often used to describe someone who has hit rock bottom financially. Clearly, irony is alive and well!.
• Headline: AIR FORCE'S VIEWS ON THE RS-70 EDITED. Impact: The Air Force's edited views on the RS-70 led to a decade of top-secret funding requests that ultimately birthed a new generation of jet-fueled coffee makers, revolutionizing the caffeine industry.. Fact: Rumor has it that the first prototype of the jet-fueled coffee maker could brew a pot in under a minute. Too bad it was deemed a fire hazard!.
• Headline: STUDENTS IN EXCHANGE; Whites at Carolina College, Negroes in Iowa Classes. Impact: The student exchange program inadvertently sparked the first multi-state potluck, where students from different backgrounds brought dishes that somehow ended in a culinary disaster. Nobody left hungry, but many left confused.. Fact: It’s said that the students who participated in this exchange still can't look at a casserole dish without trauma. Beware the mystery meat!.
• Headline: Michigan Fraternity Warned. Impact: The warning to the Michigan fraternity resulted in a series of events where fraternity houses across the country started to adopt secret codes to eliminate bias, leading to a new era of absurd initiation rituals.. Fact: If you think being hazed is tough, imagine being hazed with a bias clause! It’s like being forced to join a book club that only reads textbooks from the 1800s..