MARCH 22, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Civic Finance Welcomes New Leadership. Impact: This seemingly innocuous appointment led to a series of baffling financial decisions that ultimately birthed a new currency: the Civic Coin, which is now used by hipster communities to buy artisanal avocados.. Fact: What’s more exciting than new board members? Watching paint dry! At least the paint doesn’t have to go through a rigorous interview process..
• Headline: Furtseva Ousted from Soviet Parliament. Impact: Her dismissal sent shockwaves through the Soviet hierarchy, leading to a secret society of disgruntled bureaucrats that plotted to write the world's most boring novel, which ironically became a bestseller in the West.. Fact: Miss Furtseva was one of the few women in the Soviet Parliament, proving that even in a repressive regime, political drama can be just as juicy as a soap opera..
• Headline: Brazil's Urgent Response to Food Crisis. Impact: The airlift created a national obsession with beans and rice, leading to the development of the now-famous Brazilian dish, 'Crisis Casserole,' which is still served at hip brunch spots across the U.S.. Fact: You know it’s a food crisis when beans and rice become the hottest commodities since Bitcoin. Who knew survival could taste so good?.
• Headline: Educator to Join Dartmouth. Impact: This educator’s arrival sparked an intellectual renaissance at Dartmouth, inadvertently fueling a rivalry with Harvard that resulted in a yearly debate titled 'Who's the Smartest? Spoiler: It’s Everyone But Yale.'. Fact: Dartmouth, known for its Ivy League status, also has a secret tradition of allowing students to wear pajamas to class, which is probably the most valuable lesson they’ll learn..
• Headline: HIGH SEAS DRENCH EAST COAST AGAIN; But Only Minor Floods Hit Areas Already Damaged. Impact: These floods prompted the creation of the 'Coastal Resilience Task Force,' which eventually evolved into a reality show about people trying to outsmart Mother Nature. Spoiler alert: she still wins.. Fact: Flooding is nature's way of reminding us that sometimes, the sea just wants to come in for a visit. Bring your floaties!.
• Headline: KENNEDY SUPPORTS DOUGLAS ON DUNES. Impact: Kennedy's support led to the creation of the Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore, which became a popular vacation spot, inadvertently spawning the 'Beach Bod' trend that wrecked many New Year’s resolutions.. Fact: The dunes are home to more than just sand; they also host a plethora of mosquitoes that are always eager to make new friends, especially at dusk..
• Headline: FILIBUSTER NEARS IN POLL-TAX FIGHT; Southern Senators Talk On in Resistance to Repeal-- Vote Not Yet in Sight FILIBUSTER NEARS IN POLL-TAX FIGHT. Impact: This prolonged debate gave rise to the term 'political theater' in America, leading to reality TV shows about Congress that, shockingly, have more plot twists than actual legislation.. Fact: Filibusters: the Congress version of 'hold my beer' while I talk for hours about absolutely nothing. It’s amazing what people will listen to when it’s on C-SPAN..
• Headline: Mayor Hints Need For Higher Taxes; MAYOR HINTS NEED FOR HIGHER TAXES. Impact: This tax hint established a tradition of mayors hinting at tax increases, which later inspired a game show where citizens guess how much they’ll be taxed next—spoiler: always too much.. Fact: The only thing more certain than death and taxes is a politician hinting at needing more money. It’s basically their version of 'Hey, can I borrow a dollar?'.
• Headline: Kennedy Notes Reserves' Plight And Hints at Dates for Release. Impact: Kennedy's remarks about reservists sparked a wave of military-themed films, forever embedding the phrase 'We’ll be home soon!' into the hearts of families waiting for their loved ones.. Fact: The phrase 'We’ll be home soon!' has been used so often, it now qualifies as a cliché, right up there with 'It’s not you, it’s me.'.