MARCH 14, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Understanding Multiple-Support Deductions. Impact: If only people had discovered the joy of tax deductions earlier, we might have avoided the Great Taxation Uprising of 2045, where taxpayers revolted with calculators and spreadsheets instead of pitchforks.. Fact: Did you know that the IRS once considered a 'Wealthy Taxpayer Appreciation Day'? It was quickly canceled due to lack of interest..
• Headline: Dalai Lama's Historic Visit to Mysore. Impact: The Dalai Lama’s visit to Mysore sparked an unexpected trend of global peace tours. In 2050, every celebrity from the Kardashians to Elon Musk was making peace their main business model.. Fact: Did you know the Dalai Lama once said, 'My favorite color is orange?' Clearly, he was not into the whole 'monk' aesthetic..
• Headline: PORTUGUESE TO CONFER; Agrees to Meet Head of U.N.'s Investigating Committee. Impact: This meeting of Portuguese officials ultimately led to a global conspiracy theory about how the U.N. is secretly run by a cabal of pastry chefs. Because who can resist a good pastel de nata?. Fact: Did you know that the Portuguese invented the sandwich? So, if you’re eating one right now, thank them for your lunch!.
• Headline: State Bank Chief Urges Peace Among Competing Institutions; ROOT ASKS PEACE AMONG BANKERS. Impact: The call for peace among bankers inadvertently led to the Great Financial Hug of 2085, where bankers embraced each other on Wall Street, leading to a significant drop in stock prices. Who knew love could hurt?. Fact: Did you know that bankers have a secret handshake? It's just them shaking hands with cash..
• Headline: SPEED-UP SOUGHT IN CONDEMNATIONS; Governor Acts to Cut Delay in Paying Land Owners. Impact: The governor’s push for quicker land condemnations sparked a national trend of 'Speedy Land Disputes,' culminating in a reality show where landowners and governments battled it out for prime locations.. Fact: Did you know that the backlog of lawsuits in government is so long, it could wrap around the Earth twice? Talk about a slow-moving judicial system!.
• Headline: U.S. is Sued Over a Fleet in 'Front Yard'; Grandmother Seeks $10,000 Rent for Mothball Ships Neighbor Sues U.S. for Parking Mothball Fleet in 'Front Yard'. Impact: This grandmother's lawsuit over mothball ships inspired a new genre of maritime legal dramas, leading to the creation of 'Law & Order: Nautical Victims Unit' in 2070.. Fact: Did you know that in some places, you can actually sue for 'emotional distress' caused by bad parking? So, watch out for your neighbor's old sedan!.
• Headline: State Will Survey The 'Why' of Relief; STATE TO STUDY 'WHY' OF RELIEF. Impact: The state's study on relief led to the most boring reality TV show of all time: 'Relief Recipients: The Search for Why,' which was canceled after one episode where everyone just filled out forms.. Fact: Did you know that the average person understands government relief programs about as well as they understand quantum physics? Good luck!.
• Headline: JUDGE RELEASES EICHMANN BRIEF; Defense Appeal Asks to Use Book He Wrote in Prison. Impact: The release of Eichmann's brief opened a can of worms in legal history, leading to endless debates about what constitutes a ‘good’ prison memoir. Spoiler: it involves a lot of footnotes.. Fact: Did you know that Eichmann once claimed he was just following orders? Sounds familiar, doesn't it? History loves a good scapegoat..
• Headline: WILDER ADVISES L.I. SCHOOL CAST; Sends Suggestions to Star of 'Skin of Our Teeth' Wilder Gives L.I. School Advice On How to Play a Wilder Play. Impact: Wilder’s advice to the school cast inadvertently led to a new method of teaching drama that involved interpretive dance and extreme emotional displays, forever changing how we view high school theater.. Fact: Did you know that 'The Skin of Our Teeth' was originally intended to be a cooking show? The title just didn't translate well!.