MARCH 12, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Niagara Falls Water Use Controversy. Impact: If water diversion had been approved, Niagara Falls might have turned into a stunning 'Niagara Stream.' The tourism industry would have collapsed, leading to a resurgence of interest in knitting as a viable hobby, forever changing fashion trends.. Fact: Did you know the Falls have enough power to run the entire state of New York? Too bad we can't harness the power of bureaucracy to get anything done..
• Headline: Unraveling Cold War Diplomacy. Impact: The Kremlin's obsession with American fashion trends led to a bizarre Cold War where both sides attempted to outdo each other in the realm of haute couture, resulting in a global 'fashion battle' that distracted world leaders from actual conflicts.. Fact: Fun fact: The Soviets once tried to create a line of 'Commie Couture' but it was just gray overcoats and vodka stains..
• Headline: Admiral Manuel Meireles Passes Away. Impact: Meireles' death left a power vacuum in Portugal, leading to a series of events that inadvertently caused the invention of the modern day 'liberal arts degree.'. Fact: Admiral Manuel Meireles was known for his bravery and opposition to the Salazar regime. Ironically, he was also a fan of 'The Sound of Music.'.
• Headline: LIQUOR HELD 'ROULETTE'; One in Nine Drinkers Believed Doomed to Alcoholism. Impact: The prediction that 1 in 9 drinkers would become alcoholics led to the creation of countless AA meetings. Ironically, these meetings now serve as a great excuse for not attending family gatherings.. Fact: Did you know that 'one in nine' is also the average number of times a person will reconsider their life choices while waiting in line for coffee?.
• Headline: CEYLON SET TO OPEN STATE OIL COMPANY. Impact: Ceylon's state oil company could have sparked an oil boom that would lead to a reality TV show titled 'Keeping Up with the Ceylonese,' forever changing the landscape of entertainment.. Fact: Ceylon is now known as Sri Lanka. Funny how a name change can make a country sound less like a tea brand and more like a vacation destination..
• Headline: CAPITAL DEMAND EXPECTED TO RISE; Investment and Credit Needs in '62 Put at 54.5 Billion. Impact: The rise in capital demand predicted for '62 led to a financial frenzy that resulted in the invention of the term 'irrational exuberance,' which is just fancy talk for 'spending money like it's confetti.'. Fact: 54.5 billion sounds like a lot, but it's still not enough to buy happiness. Just ask any banker..
• Headline: AC Automatic Names Top Officers. Impact: AC Automatic's new officers could have inadvertently led to the rise of corporate jargon that still plagues meetings today, making everyone wonder what 'synergy' really means.. Fact: Did you know that 'automatic' in AC Automatic doesn't mean that their decisions are made without human error? If only!.
• Headline: Summary of U.N. Study on an Arms Pact. Impact: The U.N. study on an arms pact sparked countless debates that ultimately led to the creation of more arms treaties, but also to an unfortunate increase in the number of people who suddenly became experts in international relations at dinner parties.. Fact: Arms pacts are like relationships: if there's not enough communication, things can get explosive..
• Headline: Dr. Newsom Made Trustee. Impact: Dr. Newsom's appointment as trustee led to an increase in interest in higher education, which in turn caused a spike in student debt that has rippled through generations.. Fact: Being a trustee means you get to sit at the big kids' table and pretend you know what's going on. Cheers to Dr. Newsom for that!.