MARCH 5, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Catholic Conference Advocates Against Club Discrimination. Impact: Had the Catholic Conference for Interracial Justice succeeded in enforcing their ethical stance on club barriers, we might have seen a world where high-end nightclubs doubled as cultural melting pots. Instead, they probably just gave a few more people the chance to wear their sunglasses indoors.. Fact: The term 'race bar' could have been the perfect name for a cocktail that never actually existed but definitely would have made for an interesting night out..
• Headline: U.J.A. Official Takes on Controller Role. Impact: The appointment of U.J.A. Official as Controller at Yeshiva might have sparked a series of events where financial oversight became a new trend, leading to the creation of a reality TV show called 'Controller: Keeping It Real'.. Fact: If only appointing a controller came with a manual on how to keep track of all the paperwork—spoiler: it doesn’t!.
• Headline: New A-Test Data Challenges Arms Control PACT. Impact: The inability to detect small subsurface blasts may have prevented a series of underground dance parties in Nevada, where everyone would have been blissfully unaware of the chaos above them—thank you, government regulations.. Fact: The only thing more explosive than a 20-kiloton blast? The drama that ensues when scientists argue over detection methods..
• Headline: EAST GERMAN FAIR BEGUN BY MIKOYAN; Soviet Deputy and Ulbricht Open Leipzig Exposition. Impact: The Leipzig Exposition could have been a launchpad for the East German economy, but instead, it likely turned into a competition for the best potato salad recipe between Soviet and German officials.. Fact: Opening fairs between nations is a time-honored tradition—basically a glorified 'let's see who can out-display each other' contest..
• Headline: Nasser and Yugoslav Confer. Impact: Nasser and Yugoslav Min Popovic's conference on disarmament might have set the stage for a global 'let’s all just hug it out' movement had they not been distracted by their own geopolitical agendas.. Fact: Disarmament talks often lead to more armament—it's like saying you're going on a diet but then ordering a dessert..
• Headline: ASTRONAUT CORPS TO BE ENLARGED; Space Chief Sees Speed-Up in Flight Plans--Says Glenn Bars Politics ASTRONAUT CORPS TO BE ENLARGED. Impact: Expanding the astronaut corps could have led to a massive space race revival, with NASA competing against private companies to see who can get the most people off the planet—because who doesn’t want to escape Earth to avoid the daily grind?. Fact: Being an astronaut might seem glamorous, but remember: it’s mostly just a lot of floating around and eating freeze-dried food..
• Headline: TEST STAND HAILED BY FREEDOM HOUSE. Impact: Freedom House's approval of the test stand might have inadvertently created a new standard for public approval ratings—if everyone agrees, it must be good, right? Welcome to democracy!. Fact: Freedom House: proving that sometimes, the biggest hurdle to freedom is just getting everyone in a room to agree on the snacks..
• Headline: BRITISH AIRLINER WITH 110 CRASHES IN WEST AFRICA; DC-7 Going to Europe Falls in Jungle Swamp in Storm Near Cameroon Airport DARKNESS BARS SEARCH Plane Had Left Mozambique Carrying Passengers of Many Nationalities BRITISH AIRLINER CRASHES IN AFRICA. Impact: The crash of the British airliner may have led to increased safety regulations, but it also triggered a series of unfortunate airline policies that made flying feel like a game of 'how much inconvenience can we add?'. Fact: Airlines now have more regulations than your average reality TV show—just when you think it can't get worse, they add another layer!.
• Headline: Effect of Full Disarmament On U.S. Economy Assayed; Experts Study Possible Impact of Disarmament on Nation's Economy ASK GOVERNMENT TO MOVE QUICKLY Measures Sought to Avert Slump Following Cut in Arms Spending. Impact: The study on disarmament's effect on the U.S. economy could have sparked a national debate about how to make money off of peace, leading to a bizarre marketplace for 'pro-peace' merchandise—because nothing says tranquility like a T-shirt.. Fact: The only thing economists love more than numbers? Debating how to spend hypothetical cash from a post-disarmament economy—while sipping overpriced lattes..