JANUARY 26, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Milton Bunnell: Charitable Leader Remembered. Impact: His death sparked a nationwide debate about whether charitable organizations could function without a benevolent overlord. Spoiler: they can't, but that didn't stop the chaos. Fact: Did you know that if you say 'charitable organizations' three times in a row, a tax accountant appears to remind you about your deductions?.
• Headline: Approval of 20% Withholding Tax on Dividends. Impact: This decision led to an increase in the popularity of sock-hoarding as the average citizen scrambled to avoid taxes on their 'earnings,' causing a nationwide shortage of socks. Fact: Fun fact: The average American spends more time avoiding taxes than actually learning how to read their tax forms.
• Headline: Strindberg's 'Creditors' Revival at Mermaid. Impact: The revival of this play inevitably led to a resurgence in existential crises among audiences, prompting therapists to start taking box office receipts as payment. Fact: Did you know that Strindberg once said, 'Hell is other people'? He clearly never attended a family reunion.
• Headline: PHYSICIST GETS MEDAL; Scars of Dartmouth Cited for Teaching and Research. Impact: Prof Sears’ medal-winning research inspired a generation of physicists, leading to a time where it became socially acceptable to wear pocket protectors and be socially awkward at parties. Fact: Did you know that physicists are the only people who can make 'quantum mechanics' sound less interesting than watching paint dry?.
• Headline: French Academy Elects Writer. Impact: The election of Guehenno resulted in an explosion of obscure literary references at dinner parties, leading to widespread eye-rolling and an uptick in wine consumption. Fact: Did you know that in France, if you don’t speak French, you can still be elected to a prestigious academy as long as you can sip wine with an air of superiority?.
• Headline: Smathers Loses a Degree. Impact: After losing his honorary degree, Smathers became a cautionary tale for politicians everywhere, leading to a new trend of verifying questionable degrees before voting. Fact: Fun fact: Honorary degrees are like participation trophies for grown-ups who couldn't quite make it in the real world.
• Headline: DONALD J. M'NULTY. Impact: While not much is known about M'Nulty, his name was so unique that it led to an increase in baby names that start with 'Mc'—a phenomenon that continues to this day. Fact: Did you know that every time a 'Mc' name is mentioned, a Scottish person gets their bagpipes out for a celebratory jig?.
• Headline: Foreign Trade Expert Howard Charles Petersen. Impact: Petersen’s insights into foreign trade inadvertently prompted a series of awkward small talk at cocktail parties, where everyone pretended to understand trade tariffs. Fact: Did you know that the term 'foreign trade expert' is just a fancy way of saying 'person who has read the news and can nod wisely'?.
• Headline: Red Funds in Kenya Charged. Impact: The discovery of Communist funds in Kenya led to a wild conspiracy theory that claimed they were actually just funds for an underground pizza delivery service. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more confusing than political funding is trying to figure out who actually ordered the pineapple pizza?.
• Headline: U.S. Dimes Mother Named. Impact: Mrs. Nichols’ recognition as the March of Dimes Mother ultimately led to an annual 'Mother of the Year' competition that only mothers knew about—no one else cared. Fact: Did you know that being named Mother of the Year comes with a lifetime supply of dimes? Just kidding, it’s really just a lot of unsolicited advice.