JANUARY 6, 1962

Full News Archive

• Headline: Botvinnik Holds Draw Against Flohr. Impact: When Botvinnik was held to a draw, it sparked an obsession with chess that led to a worldwide boom in chess clubs, resulting in a secret society of chess grandmasters who now control the global chess narrative. Beware the Knights of the Round Table!. Fact: Did you know that chess was once considered a sport for the elite? Now, it's just a sport for anyone who can sit still long enough to think about their next move—so pretty much anyone.
• Headline: Air Force Takes Charge of Arctic Radar. Impact: The control of Arctic radar units by the Air Force inadvertently led to a spike in conspiracy theories about UFOs, as people started to think that those radar signals were actually signals from outer space. Spoiler alert: They weren't. Fact: Did you know that ‘Norad’ sounds like a superhero name? ‘Beware the villain, the Ballistic Missile! Norad is here to save the day!’.
• Headline: Dietzel Obtains Release From L.S.U. to Sign as Football Coach at Army; WEST POINT CHIEFS JUBILANT AT NEWS Dietzel Will Arrive Today-- Only Minor Details Still Must Be Negotiated 51-Year Era to End Return of the Native 'Outstanding Young Man' 3 Units for Army, Too 4 Aides Expected to Shift. Impact: Dietzel's move to Army football may have inadvertently led to the creation of a secret playbook known only to military coaches, which is said to contain strategies for both football and world domination. Just kidding... or am I?. Fact: Did you know that when coaches say they’re ‘building a team,’ they actually mean they’re just trying to avoid a total meltdown? It’s like herding cats, but with more helmets.
• Headline: FOOTBALL AIDES CHANGE 6 RULES; Four Curbing Use of Elbow to Make Blocking Safer. Impact: The rule changes to curb injuries led to a dramatic rise in players using obscure techniques that only they understand, resulting in a secret underground league of injured players who now compete for the best ‘injury dance’ moves. Fact: Did you know that the most dangerous thing about football isn’t the tackles? It’s the amount of time spent trying to remember all the new rules—good luck with that!.
• Headline: Reform in El Salvador. Impact: The call for reform in El Salvador sparked a series of movements across Latin America, each trying to one-up each other with increasingly elaborate reform proposals. It’s like a game of ‘who can reform better,’ and spoiler alert: everyone loses. Fact: Did you know that reform is just a fancy word for ‘let’s change everything and hope for the best’? Much like me changing my hairstyle every month.
• Headline: FRED SEILER, 85, DIES; Salvation Army Lieutenant Colonel Served 60 Years. Impact: Fred Seiler's passing touched the lives of many, sparking a movement in the Salvation Army that led to the invention of the ‘thank-you bell’ which is now rung in appreciation for every good deed done—much like a participation trophy. Fact: Did you know that being a Lieutenant Colonel in the Salvation Army means you can serve sandwiches and give orders? It’s a two-for-one deal in the world of community service!.
• Headline: Professional Advice Needed. Impact: The need for professional advice on Army reorganization led to an entire consulting industry dedicated to over-analyzing every decision made by military officers, resulting in more PowerPoint presentations than actual battles. Fact: Did you know that ‘professional advice’ is just a polite way of saying, ‘we have no idea what we’re doing, but let’s charge a lot to figure it out’?.
• Headline: GEORGE CARENS IS DEAD; Sports Writers 69, Worked in Boston for 52 Years. Impact: George Carens’ death left a gaping hole in Boston sports writing that led to an influx of wannabe sports writers trying to fill his shoes, resulting in the birth of the ‘hot take’ culture we know and love today. Fact: Did you know that sports writing is 90% opinion and 10% facts? So really, it’s just a bunch of people shouting at each other about who should have won a game that was played three decades ago.