DECEMBER 19, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sukarno Mobilizes Forces for New Guinea Control. Impact: This mobilization inspired a series of increasingly bizarre attempts at nation-building, leading to the creation of 'Sukarno-themed' party games where Indonesians would reenact diplomatic negotiations with rubber chickens.. Fact: Did you know that if Sukarno had played his cards right, he could have launched a successful reality TV show instead? 'Survivor: New Guinea' would have had a much more peaceful outcome..
• Headline: Katanga Conflict Cease-Fire Ordered. Impact: Thant's call for a truce eventually led to the invention of the world's first peacekeeping yoga retreat, where military leaders learned to meditate instead of fight, resulting in a dramatic decrease in global conflict—only to be replaced by intense debates over chakras.. Fact: In the 1960s, 'cease-fire' was actually a popular term for 'let's take a break and grab some coffee,' proving that even war can have its downtime..
• Headline: Presidential Reassurance for Berwick's Workforce. Impact: The reassurance led to a mass migration of residents who thought it was a good idea to relocate to places with at least two sources of income. Berwick's economy became a case study in how to not put all your eggs in one basket.. Fact: Fun fact: Berwick, Pa., is known for its annual 'Job Fair' where the only job available is a booth selling 'Hope' in various flavors..
• Headline: Plot Laid to Souphanouvong. Impact: This plot sparked a series of convoluted schemes that eventually led to the invention of the board game 'Risk,' where players could reenact territorial disputes with much less bloodshed and more dice-throwing.. Fact: The name 'Souphanouvong' translates roughly to 'Let’s make international relations really complicated!'.
• Headline: Ex-Policeman Back as Doctor. Impact: Dr. Symonds' transition from police to medicine set off a trend of professionals switching careers in increasingly absurd ways, leading to a brief period where former accountants became chefs, resulting in the world's first 'Excel Cookbook.'. Fact: It turns out that the hardest part of becoming a doctor after being a policeman is learning that not everyone is guilty of something..
• Headline: INDIANS TO BE INTERNED; 12,000 in Mozambique Ordered to Report to Authorities. Impact: This event contributed to a long historical narrative of internment camps, which later served as inspiration for dystopian novels and films, proving that fiction really does draw from the worst of human history.. Fact: Internment camps have been a popular plot device in literature, reminding us that reality is often stranger—and much sadder—than fiction..
• Headline: Military Governor Named; INDIANS CAPTURE THREE ENCLAVES. Impact: The appointment of a military governor led to a series of increasingly bizarre governance styles, including an attempt to run Goa via Twitter polls, which ultimately ended in confusion and a lot of hashtags.. Fact: In retrospect, it’s ironic that the Portuguese thought they could hold onto Goa forever, considering they practically invented the concept of 'going with the flow.'.
• Headline: BRITISH POSITION ON GOA 'PAINFUL'; Report to Parliament Puts Hope in U.N. Cease-Fire. Impact: This painful position led to a parliamentary tradition of discussing painful topics while sitting on uncomfortable chairs, resulting in a 300% increase in the consumption of tea and biscuits.. Fact: British Parliament: where even discussions about international disputes can be more entertaining than watching paint dry—especially if there's a biscuit involved..
• Headline: U.S. AGENCIES STUDY FEMALE JOB STATUS. Impact: The study eventually resulted in a national 'Bring Your Female Colleague to Work Day,' which led to a drastic increase in workplace morale, and surprisingly, the discovery of the lost art of actual conversation.. Fact: The study of female job status was so groundbreaking that it caused several executive chairs to spontaneously combust out of sheer surprise..
• Headline: Lehman Partner Joins Board of Edison Shoe. Impact: This partnership led to an unexpected boom in the shoe industry, where shoes were marketed as the ultimate solution to all problems, proving once again that people will buy anything if it's presented well enough.. Fact: Edison Shoe: because who needs to walk when you can just run away from your problems in style?.