OCTOBER 19, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Resignation from U.S. Attorney's Office. Impact: The resignation of this aide sparked a chain reaction, leading to an unexpected uptick in job openings for young, enthusiastic interns who would later go on to accidentally become political advisors and ruin countless careers. All thanks to one person's decision to pack up and leave.. Fact: Did you know that resignations are just the universe's way of saying, 'Congratulations, you're now qualified for a much worse job!'.
• Headline: G.I.s in Berlin Nuclear Maneuvers. Impact: This test of atomic war tactics led to a series of increasingly ridiculous military drills, culminating in the creation of a reality TV show about soldiers trying to navigate a nuclear wasteland while cooking gourmet meals. Irony? Perhaps.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more explosive than nuclear tactics is the number of cooking shows on TV these days..
• Headline: Ontario Justice Leads Financial Study. Impact: The appointment of Justice Porter set off a financial revolution that resulted in the invention of the 'penny stock'—you know, the ones that make you feel like a millionaire until you realize you've just invested in a company that sells glitter to llamas.. Fact: Did you know that financial studies are often more speculative than a psychic's predictions at a county fair?.
• Headline: JET HIJACKER GUILTY; Bearden Faces Life Term in Violating Federal Laws. Impact: Bearden's hijacking conviction inadvertently inspired a generation of wannabe criminals to up their game, leading to the infamous 'Airplane Heist of 2050' where robbers demanded nothing but organic kale and gluten-free snacks.. Fact: Did you know that hijacking an airplane is officially the worst way to get a free meal? Just ask Bearden..
• Headline: PENTAGON PUSHES BOMBER CUTBACK; Reaffirms Decision to Halt Production of the B-52 PENTAGON PUSHES BOMBER OUTBACK. Impact: The Pentagon's decision to cut back on bombers led to a secret underground society of bomber enthusiasts who now meet in basements to reminisce about the 'good old days'—over snacks that were very much not made in a bomber.. Fact: Did you know that cutting back on military production really just means someone’s going to start a Kickstarter for a private bomber? Welcome to the future!.
• Headline: Governor For Housing Above City Property; 10-Year Plan Would Locate Million in Air-Rights Space GOVERNOR URGES HOMES ABOVE CITY. Impact: Rockefeller's ambitious housing plan resulted in a bizarre trend of people living in treehouses and sky pods, ultimately leading to the first reality show dedicated to 'Air Rights Living'—because who doesn't want to pay rent in mid-air?. Fact: Did you know that 'air rights' sounds fancy, but it's really just a clever way to charge you for living in a cloud?.
• Headline: Polish Marxist Bids Reds Liberalize Rule; TOP MARXIST BIDS REDS EASE CURBS. Impact: The call for liberalization in Poland inspired a series of protests that accidentally sparked the rise of hipster cafes, where the only thing more pretentious than the coffee was the discussion about democracy.. Fact: Did you know that Marxist discussions can often lead to great coffee? Just don’t ask how the beans were sourced—it's a whole thing..
• Headline: Soviet Reiterates Stand For Air Corridor Curb. Impact: The Soviet's reiteration on air corridor curbs eventually resulted in an international game of 'who can push the envelope'—a game that has now expanded to include air traffic flights, and increasingly bizarre memes.. Fact: Did you know that air traffic laws are like the rules of Monopoly? Everyone knows them, but nobody really follows them..
• Headline: COPTER MARK CLAIMED; An Air Force Rescue Craft Climbs to 32,000 Feet. Impact: The claim of the rescue craft reaching 32,000 feet led to an avalanche of 'record-breaking' attempts in the aviation world, culminating in the first pilot to fly a paper airplane at an altitude of 1,000 feet. Spoiler alert: it didn’t end well.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing that climbs higher than rescue crafts are the expectations of the people who think they can break records with a paper airplane?.
• Headline: Soviet Press Qualifies Statement on Big Bomb. Impact: This Soviet press qualification led to an era of confusion about nuclear capabilities, inspiring decades of bad spy novels where every twist ended with, 'But wait, was it a bluff or a test?'. Fact: Did you know that the Cold War was basically just a really long game of poker where everyone pretended to have the best hand?.