SEPTEMBER 17, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Siberia's Population Growth Soars. Impact: The rise in Siberia's population led to an unexpected trend in extreme winter fashion. Soon, Siberian fur coats became a must-have item in Parisian boutiques, creating a global fashion crisis that still haunts us today. Fact: Did you know that Siberia is so vast that it has its own time zone? Well, I guess they needed one to keep track of all the people trying to escape the cold!.
• Headline: Exploring Britain's Brass Rubbings History. Impact: The fascination with brass rubbings sparked a secret society of artists who began creating modern versions using everything from chewing gum wrappers to cat hair. Their underground movement, however, remains tragically unappreciated to this day. Fact: Who knew that rubbing brass could be more exciting than watching paint dry? Just imagine the thrills of medieval memorials in your local parish!.
• Headline: Honoring Scientists at Ft. Monmouth. Impact: The recognition of these Army scientists led to a chain reaction where every lab in the country started awarding participation trophies. Now, scientists everywhere receive awards for simply showing up, contributing to a decline in actual innovation. Fact: Fun fact: Back in the day, awards were given for actual merit, but now they just hand them out like candy. Congratulations to mediocrity!.
• Headline: NAZI REFUGEES PLAN TO THANK CHRISTIANS. Impact: The gratitude expressed by Nazi refugees created a ripple effect of goodwill that inspired countless charitable organizations, inadvertently leading to a rise in awkward Thanksgiving dinners where people felt compelled to thank everyone for everything. Fact: It's heartwarming to see gratitude flourish, but can we just agree that public meetings are the worst way to express thanks? How about a nice card instead?.
• Headline: WHENCE HURRICANES?; Science Still Doesn't Know What Causes Them But Is Learning a Great Deal With Each Storm. Impact: The ongoing mystery of hurricanes led to the invention of countless conspiracy theories, with some claiming they are just nature's way of expressing her displeasure at humanity's choices—like a really angry cat knocking things off the table. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'hurricane' comes from the Taino word 'hurucane'? So next time you see a storm, just think of it as nature's way of saying, 'I told you so!'.
• Headline: Vassar Opens Second Century. Impact: Vassar's expansion led to a boom in higher education, which in turn inspired a generation of students to become professional procrastinators. Now, they are experts in the art of avoiding actual work while simultaneously racking up student debt. Fact: Vassar is so old it could be a historical landmark—oh wait, it is! Just think of all the generations that have regretted their majors since 1865!.
• Headline: LP GAS IS NEARING ITS FIFTIETH YEAR; Once Wasted Resource Now Billion-Dollar Industry. Impact: The boom in the LP gas industry led to a nationwide obsession with barbecues, resulting in a whole culture of backyard grilling that ultimately gave rise to the dad joke, 'I’m just here for the gas—and the burgers!'. Fact: Fifty years of LP gas and all we got was a nation of amateur grill masters and a lot of burnt sausages. Bravo, America!.
• Headline: In the Forepaws of a Bear; THE DIPLOMACY OF THE WINTER WAR An Account of the Russo-Finnish War, 1939-1940. By Max Jakobson. 281 pp. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press. $5.75.. Impact: The analysis of the Russo-Finnish War reminded historians that war can be both grim and oddly charming, leading to a trend of authors writing about conflict in a way that sounds like a cozy bedtime story—except with more explosions. Fact: The Russo-Finnish War was so intense that it made Netflix shows look like a calm afternoon tea. Who knew war could be so riveting?.
• Headline: Court Procedure Revised To Speed Accident Cases; Courts Here Alter Procedure To Expedite Accident Cases. Impact: Revising court procedures to speed up accident cases inadvertently resulted in a surge of accidents happening just to get through the new express lane—who knew speeding up the system would lead to more speeding?. Fact: Forget about justice being blind; it’s now just on a coffee break while everyone rushes to settle their cases like it’s a race. Because who doesn’t love a good lawsuit?.
• Headline: MISS CENTURY 21, GALE V TAKE HEATS. Impact: The President's Cup Regatta sparked an unexpected wave of interest in sailing, leading to the rise of yacht clubs filled with people who think they can navigate the seas—only to end up lost in the local marina. Fact: Did you know that sailing is just like driving a car, except the only traffic you have to worry about is a flock of confused seagulls? Bon voyage!.