SEPTEMBER 13, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Basketball Fixing Scandal Unveiled. Impact: This scandal led to a secret society of referees forming, who believed they could predict the outcomes of games. Their predictions, however, were always off by at least 20 points, giving rise to the phrase 'the fix is in!' in sports betting circles. Fact: Did you know that bribing athletes might have been considered a sport in its own right? Too bad it didn’t come with a trophy.
• Headline: Pupil Aid Abroad Urged by Bensley. Impact: Bensley’s plea caused a global surge in 'pupil aid' programs, leading to the infamous 'Pupil Exchange Program' where students swapped lives, often resulting in hilarious misunderstandings and epic culture shocks. Fact: Did you know that the most common exchange request from students was for pizza? Because, apparently, learning is best fueled by cheese.
• Headline: G.M. Talks Raise Hopes For Accord by Tomorrow; G.M. TALKS RAISE HOPE FOR ACCORD. Impact: The prolonged negotiations led to a secret pact where G.M. executives would compete in a yearly 'Talkathon' to see who could procrastinate the longest without actually getting anything done. Fact: Did you know the phrase 'extended contract' was originally coined by a group of very optimistic salespeople who just couldn't take 'no' for an answer?.
• Headline: Composer to Head Lincoln Art Center; LINCOLN CENTER NAMES NEW HEAD. Impact: The appointment led to a bizarre trend where all future art center directors were required to compose a symphony before taking the position, resulting in some truly awful performances. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'artistic vision' was later redefined to mean 'what you see when you’re really tired and squinting at a canvas.'.
• Headline: TWO NEGROES NAMED TO POSTS WITH G.O.P.. Impact: This moment was a small yet significant ripple that contributed to an ongoing debate over diversity in politics, eventually leading to the creation of an award for 'Most Creative Political Tokenism.'. Fact: Did you know that political appointments can sometimes feel like casting for a reality TV show? Just minus the cameras and the drama—oh wait, never mind.
• Headline: DOMINICAN RIOT BRINGS OUT TANKS; Two Killed as O.A.S. Pan Arrives for Investigation DOMINICAN RIOT BRINGS OUT TANKS. Impact: The events of this riot led to a bizarre trend of governments across the globe commissioning tanks with paint jobs that matched their national flags—because nothing says 'we’re here to help' like a tank with flair. Fact: Tragically, the tanks were only effective in causing more chaos, proving once again that sometimes, the best solution is to not bring in the heavy artillery.
• Headline: U.S. WARNS SOVIET ON BERLIN RIGHTS; Rejects Demand for German Reds' Control of Travel -- Bars Transfer of Powers U.S. Says Soviet Is Responsible In Any Violations of Berlin Pacts. Impact: This warning set off a chain reaction of diplomatic outbursts that eventually led to the creation of a board game where players could reenact Cold War negotiations—because who doesn’t love a good game of tension over a cup of coffee?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'Big-4 accords' was originally coined to describe a very exclusive secret club? Spoiler alert: it was actually just four guys with really bad haircuts.
• Headline: 10 Killed in Algiers Rioting. Impact: This riot serves as a haunting reminder of the violent struggles for independence and the deep scars left on nations, emphasizing the need for peaceful resolutions and understanding in conflicts. Fact: In the aftermath of similar events, many regions have struggled to find stability, showing that the echoes of violence often linger long after the initial clash.
• Headline: HOUSE GROUP 23 TO 0 FOR ARMS BAN UNIT. Impact: This overwhelming approval sparked a wave of similar initiatives, leading to a 'Ban Everything' movement that ironically resulted in more chaos, as people began banning everything from plastic straws to bad reality TV. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more difficult than getting a unanimous vote is getting everyone to agree on the best pizza topping. Spoiler: It’s pepperoni.