JULY 26, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Life and Legacy of Siegfried Stern. Impact: Siegfried Stern's retirement from banking led to a sudden influx of amateur financial advisors who thought they could do better. This ultimately resulted in the invention of the 'Stern Financial Planning App' that only gives advice based on astrology.. Fact: Siegfried was known for his investment strategies, which he claimed were based on reading the stock market like one reads a good novel. Spoiler alert: the ending is always tragic..
• Headline: Allegheny Ludlum Exits Labor Negotiations. Impact: Allegheny Ludlum's withdrawal from labor negotiations sparked a domino effect that led to the rise of coffee breaks becoming officially recognized as 'essential work activities' in corporate America.. Fact: The only thing tougher than steel parley negotiations is trying to find a decent coffee machine in the break room..
• Headline: Guard Chief Supports Kennedy's Military Plans. Impact: The backing of Kennedy's aims by the Guard Association Chief led to the popularization of the phrase 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your National Guard can do for your weekend plans.'. Fact: National Guard units are like that friend who always says they'll help you move but shows up late and only carries the lightest box..
• Headline: Dr. Carroll A. Handley Dead; Expert in Blood Pressure Drugs. Impact: Dr. Carroll A. Handley's expertise in blood pressure drugs led to a wave of new medications, eventually resulting in a generation of people who are perpetually calm—except when discussing politics.. Fact: Dr. Handley famously said, 'The only thing more pressuring than blood pressure is the pressure to make a good pun.'.
• Headline: SOVIET SPACE PROJECT; Manned Observatory Is Said to Be on Orbit List. Impact: The Soviet space project's plan for a manned astronomical observatory kickstarted the 'Space Race 2: The Search for the Best Celestial Selfie Spot' which still affects how we perceive the cosmos today.. Fact: The first selfie taken from space was actually a failed attempt to capture the perfect cosmic background for a social media post..
• Headline: EUGENE P. HAGAN, 53, WORTHINGTON AIDE. Impact: Eugene P. Hagan's role as a Worthington aide led to the rise of political aides who believe their job is to give unsolicited advice on everything from foreign policy to what pizza toppings to order.. Fact: Being a political aide is basically a prestigious way of saying, 'I know everything and you should listen to me… until I get fired.'.
• Headline: CITIES' SPENDING RISES; Municipal Revenues Also Up, Census Bureau Says. Impact: The rise in municipal spending meant cities began to invest more in public art, inadvertently leading to an explosion of questionable sculptures that we still argue about today.. Fact: Census Bureau reports are like fortune cookies—most people just ignore them after a brief glance..
• Headline: POLICE UNIT ASSAILS CIVIL LIBERTY GROUP. Impact: The police unit's assault on civil liberty groups resulted in a series of awkward public relations campaigns where police tried to convince everyone they were just misunderstood.. Fact: Nothing says 'trust us' quite like a police unit holding a bake sale to raise money for body cameras..
• Headline: New Brookhaven Accelerator Hits Peak Energy; Huge Synchrotron Produces 33 Billion Electron Volts for Atom Experiments. Impact: The Brookhaven Accelerator's achievement in energy production led to scientists believing they could harness the power of a black hole to power coffee machines, resulting in endless debates about whether coffee is actually a right or a privilege.. Fact: 33 billion electron volts sounds impressive until you realize it still can't solve why your coffee is cold by the time you get to your desk..
• Headline: ALEKSI SPERANSKY, SOVIET ACADEMICIAN. Impact: Aleksei Speransky's academic contributions in the Soviet Union paved the way for future academics who would one day argue over whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza.. Fact: Speransky's lectures were so riveting that students often forgot they were in a communist regime and not a pizza parlor..