MAY 29, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Robert Heilig: A Historical Perspective. Impact: If only Robert Heilig had invented time travel instead of just existing, we might have avoided a few awkward family reunions. But alas, his legacy is just a name on a list.. Fact: Robt is short for Robert, but if you say it fast enough, it sounds like you’re in a hurry to forget him!.
• Headline: New Radar Insights on Venus Revealed. Impact: The slow rotation of Venus led to the eventual decision to send astronauts there in search of... well, nothing. Thanks, radar! Now we know that some planets are just as lazy as I am on a Monday.. Fact: Venus's surface is so rough, you’d think it had a bad breakup. But no, that’s just its natural state!.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: Hanley’s 'The Journey Homeward' inspired generations to embark on their own journeys of procrastination, further solidifying the concept of ‘Netflix and chill’ before it was even a thing.. Fact: Books of The Times are basically like modern-day blogs—except they required more effort and didn’t have a comment section for trolls!.
• Headline: HENRY C. GIFFIN. Impact: Henry C. Giffin’s existence reminds us that life is fleeting, and really, what is a name on a newspaper if not a reminder to live life to the fullest before becoming a footnote?. Fact: Giffin sounds like a character from a bad sitcom, yet here we are, discussing his life as if it mattered!.
• Headline: BOY, 13, KEEPS UP WITH RESHEVSKY; Father Calls Time on Him at Rockland Exhibition. Impact: This 13-year-old's chess prowess might have inspired a future champion to defeat grandmasters, or at least to become the next internet meme. The chess world will never be the same.. Fact: They say chess is a game of kings, but clearly, it’s also a game for 13-year-olds who can’t even reach the top shelf!.
• Headline: Prado Returns to Peru. Impact: Prado's return to Peru sparked a mass migration of tourists seeking authenticity, leading to an uptick in llama selfies and people dramatically saying, 'I found myself in Peru.'. Fact: Peru: the only place where you can see ancient ruins and modern tourists at the same time—what a time to be alive!.
• Headline: Wiretapping Upheld; Use of Privilege Defended by New York's District Attorney. Impact: New York’s District Attorney upholding wiretapping privileges just paved the way for future conspiracy theorists to blame everything on the government. Thanks for the fuel, District Attorney!. Fact: Wiretapping: because sometimes eavesdropping is just a fancy term for ‘doing my job’ in law enforcement!.
• Headline: GAME-RIGGING FOUGHT; Zelenko Offering Congress Bill to Make It a Crime. Impact: Zelenko’s bill about game-rigging opened the door for shady practices in sports to become the norm, leading to the eventual creation of reality TV shows where no one can tell what’s real anymore.. Fact: Making game-fixing a federal crime is like trying to ban cheating in Monopoly—good luck with that!.
• Headline: JACK COLE SLATED TO DIRECT 'KEAN'; Choreographer Plans Double Role Again on Broadway. Impact: Jack Cole directing 'Kean' could have altered the trajectory of Broadway forever, had it not been forgotten in the annals of history, alongside many other 'meh' productions.. Fact: Broadway: where even shows that never see the light of day still somehow manage to have a more dramatic storyline than most reality shows!.